


The Lost Way

by Ashlan_Zeal



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Adult Ezra, Alternate Timeline, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universes, Angst, Bad things happen to Ezra Bridger, Darkest Timeline, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ezra is 18, F/M, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Angst, M/M, Messing with World Between Worlds, Multi, Things will get better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-06-24 00:50:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15618783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashlan_Zeal/pseuds/Ashlan_Zeal
Summary: Ezra appears without warning in a familiar yet entirely different reality, one that stretches the limits of his will. He needs to find answers to try to make sense of all of this... answers he is not ready for.It's hard to wake up from a nightmare if you aren't even asleep.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's hard to wake up from a nightmare if you aren't even asleep."

  
One moment Ezra was dreaming of running through the Lothal's fields at night, and the next one he felt himself being yanked back. He was endlessly falling backwards through the darkness of space, seeing the stars pulling away from him. The very core of his been was filled with a sense of dread and mortal peril. He felt he was going to... cease to be. His mind was racing in panic... his friends... Kanan! They wouldn't know what happened to him. He instinctively reached out with the Force using all his strength, straining his very soul.

 

KANAN!

 

"AAH!" Ezra's body jolted to the floor, entangled in bed-sheets and surrounded in darkness. He was panting and trembling with a lingering sense of apprehension. His heart was still beating desperately. Breathe, he thought, calm yourself, it was just a dream. He was disoriented as he pulled the sheet over his head. "I'm-... I'm sorry Zeb, I didn't mean to wake you..." but there was no complaining, no groans or questions, only silence in the room. “Zeb?” Ezra called again. Something was wrong. Besides the chilling silence something else was wrong. It was like he... he couldn't feel the Force fully.

 

Confused, Ezra looked around as his eyes focused and adapted to the lack of light around him. A realization hit him. He was not in the Ghost. He scrambled up in a hurry, hitting a table and making a stormtrooper helmet fall at his feet. He held his breath and his heart skipped a beat... He recognized this place. It was his old room in the Tower. The tower in Lothal.

 

"No, it can't be," he whispered in disbelief. He had been in the Ghost. He was sure of it. He tried to retrace his steps from the last day. They had saved the scientists after Saw had left them to deal with the Kyber crystal going off. They had dropped the scientist on a secure location and had just gone into hyperspace. Hera had told them it would be hours before arriving back to Yavin so everyone should just try to catch up some sleep while they could. They had all agreed. And then...

 

... he woke up here. Had something happened on the way back? Nothing made sense. He massaged his forehead trying to calm himself and just think, but he was startled when his fingers touched his hair... his hair was longer.

 

“What?”

 

His hair was longer. That didn't just happened. He rushed to the small refresher and turned on the lights while looking at the mirror. Yes his hair was longer... not as long as he used to have it but-...

 

His eyes widened. The scars on his cheek were gone. His trembling fingers traced the area where they should've been. His scars were gone. The scars he had gotten when...

 

-Where is Kanan? Where is everyone!?-

 

“Kanan? Hera? Sabine! ZEB!? CHOPPER?” Ezra almost fumbled out of the refresher trying to reach for the light switch because the place was cluttered. He didn't remember leaving so much stuff behind. He turned the lights on of the rest of the room, revealing a very lived in room. His first collection of helmets were still here but they should have been in the Ghost... there were also several other helmets he never remembered getting. His old trunk was open and full of clothes, a couple of boots his current size were close to the bed, the table had a few unopened rations and a couple of credits in it. The place was clearly being occupied. He ran outside and gripped the railing. A strong wind with hit his face.

 

Even if it was night, Ezra could see the dark clouds of smog from the factories illuminated by the lights of the city. He glanced around the tower in shock. Beyond the highways, the fields burned. There was nothing else. No Phantom, no Ghost. Nothing.

 

"No. No...this is all wrong" Ezra whispered trembling. "I need to... I need to find them. They... they must be on the city..." he tried to convince himself. He couldn’t feel them through the Force but he wasn’t able to use the Force like that either. Maybe it was a drug? Maybe he was sick?

 

He went back in to his room, grabbing the boots and a shirt. He hurried down, almost tripping on the stairs. Once he reached the bottom of the tower he found a modded speeder bike parked just outside. Ezra stopped cold. He recognized this model. Before he had joined the Rebels he had wanted to get one like that, either stolen or bought, to get around more easily... but then he didn't, settling for a far more common model when doing their missions. He pushed the thought aside and took it anyway. He had no time to waste. The sooner he found out what happened the better.

  
Ezra headed into the city, taking great lengths to stay out of sight of patrols. He hadn't heard of Azadi in a while so he didn’t know the current location of the Lothal cell, but he might one of his contacts, learn of what was going on and get a message across back to Yavin.

 

Ezra left the bike hidden in an alley and walked tense through the streets, checking over his shoulder every now and then. He tried to relax and look casual but as soon as he turned around the corner he bumped into a whole squad of troopers. He froze on his spot. It was in that moment he realized he didn't have neither a blaster nor his lightsaber with him.

 

The troopers were discussing their shifts and one of them turned to Ezra.

 

"Move along. This street is blocked until morning," the trooper motioned to Ezra to turn back somewhat annoyed. Ezra slowly nodded hoping he wouldn’t recognize him and stepped away. Once he was at some distance he sighed in relief. Even if they had gotten a good look at him, they hadn't even cared.

 

-Good, that means I can look around without worry. Maybe these are new troops… and I don’t see any posters with my face on it-

 

He kept walking on the opposite direction hoping to see a familiar face or a sign from Azadi's group. He arrived to the main avenue that lead directly to the Imperial Base. A rising anxiety surged on his chest. Before he knew it he was walking towards the base until he almost reached the restricted landing areas. He looked over, taking the sight of the TIE fighters lined up and ground units moving around. Then he saw him.

 

"Kallus" Ezra’s eyes widened with a sense of hope. But... why was Kallus here? He was going to get discovered in the middle of the base! Everyone knew him! Ezra carefully crossed into the facility and stopped a few steps behind Alexandr making sure no one else was watching them.

 

"Hey, Kallus," Ezra whispered tensing. The man turned around, raising an eyebrow curiously at him. He looked extremely tired and worn out. He was wearing his old ISB uniform and haircut.

 

"This is restricted area, citizen. Leave-..."

 

"Kallus, what's going on?" Ezra asked him completely confused.

 

"*Agent* Kallus" Kallus said stressing the word. He did a double take, clearly wondering if he was supposed to know him.

 

"C’mon, stop the act. I’m… I was worried ok? What are you doing here? Why are we here?" Ezra was almost begging him for an answer.

 

"You are clearly confused. Are you drunk, young man?" Kallus frowned.

 

"I...what? No. Wh-"

 

"Your name?"

 

"It's... It's me. Ezra. Ezra Bridger," he said a hint of desperation. If this was some kind of joke he had enough. Why didn’t he recognize him? Even with the longer hair...

 

Kallus looked on his datapad. "Uhm, a few misdemeanors, vagrancy... Listen, I don't have time for this,” Kallus sighed, his expression became darker. “If you don’t leave I'll have you arrested immediately. If you want to turn around your life and become a productive member of the Empire…” he made a small pause as if he was trying to convince he was saying the truth “...we are still looking for able bodies for our ground troops. Now if you excuse me, I have more pressing matter to attend"

 

"But-"

 

"Ah... here he comes," Kallus said looking up at the incoming ship. Ezra followed his gaze and saw… and Inquisitor ship.

 

"No," Ezra whispered in terror. Kallus didn’t hear him, but noticed he was still behind him.

 

"Do I need to call in the troopers then?"

 

But Ezra wasn’t hearing him. He was panicking. The Inquisitors were supposed to be gone, RIGHT? He-... he couldn’t fight an Inquisitor alone not without weapons, not without his lightsaber, not without the Force. He ran.

 

Kallus looked at him go and gave a small chuckle. Yeah, the Inquisitors had that effect on people. He braced himself to welcome this one in Lothal.

 

At first Ezra didn’t know where he was running to. He needed to put as much space between him and the Inquisitor as possible, but then, he started to slow down, realizing he had ran towards his old house. Only that… the house was there. Unburnt.

 

“It can’t be,” he said, trying to breathe but after a few second of his mind going blank and just being overwhelmed by everything, the tears started to fall down. “Kanan... I don’t get it. I don’t…” he sobbed quietly, covering his mouth attempting to not raise anymore attention to himself. He couldn’t handle this anymore. He made his way back to his bike and returned to the tower.

 

Maybe this was a bad dream. Maybe he just needed to go back and sleep it off. Maybe Kallus was right and he was drugged or something. He somehow managed to sleep… but when dawn came Ezra soon realized he was trapped in a life that was a complete nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I'm going to say is that there is a whole world of hurt waiting for Ezra... but I like him too much not to give him a happy ending. Things will get better... but not now. Not in a while.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Some nightmares don't end when we open our eyes."

Ezra stared at the ceiling of the room. He couldn't even will himself to get out of bed. Everything was wrong. He was still here. In this place. His old place. The crew was nowhere to be found. Kallus didn't recognize him. There were inquisitors on Lothal. His old home was still standing. He didn't have his weapons. He could barely feel the Force.

 

His breathing became erratic, his heartbeat increased. 

 

-No. No. Don't. Just breathe...- he ordered himself to calm down. He couldn't do a lot about most of the other stuff but if there was one thing he could count on, it was the Force. Trust the Force, right?

 

Ezra sat cross legged on the bed and cleared his mind. He tried to reach out into the Force but he could barely brush it. It was as if he couldn't "stretch". Soon he found himself sweating from the strain and decided to stop. The Force was there alright... he was the problem. 

 

"Uggh... I don't get it!" he fell back to the bed in defeat. Maybe he had hit his head and was hallucinating all of this? After a while his stomach growled and he finally got up and went over the table. He grabbed one ration knowing that he needed to keep himself fed... Hera would have told him to eat. 

 

He then spotted a damaged pamphlet below the rest of the rations. It was half crumpled but the rations on top seemed to have smoothed it a little. It looked like ‘ _ he _ ’ had placed it like that on purpose. Ezra took it and read it curiously.

 

_ Are you looking for new opportunities?  _

_ Do you want a new life? _

_ Join the glory of the Empire! _

_ A secure job! Excellent benefits!  _

_ Contact your closest- _

 

Ezra crumpled the paper in anger and threw it to the corner of the room. No. It couldn't be. He couldn't have been considering joining. No way. 

 

With renewed energy he started to practically turn the whole room upside down, looking for clues of his situation, why he was here. 

 

Yes, this was definitely HIS room. The clothes were his size and he even found his older clothes on the bottom of the trunk. He couldn't find any weapons, except for a single small knife he took and hid on his belt. No comm or datapad either. He found a secret stash of credits inside a vent he used to hide important stuff when he was young... not much, just enough for the month.

 

By the time he ended searching, it seemed like a tornado had gone inside the tower. Ezra sighed still not happy with the results. 

 

"No comms..." he whispered. He needed to contact Azadi, contact Yavin, Hera… Kanan. His heart winced.

 

He decided to return to the city again to try to find someone who might help him, while staying clear of the Imperial base. He took the bike,  _ his bike _ , a bike he couldn’t remember ever getting and headed straight to Old Jo's only to find it closed down. When asking around, people gave them funny looks and avoided the conversation, walking more quickly to leave him behind.

 

"Karabast," he cursed and kept cruising through the city. Listening to the rest of people in the rundown market and overhearing the troops he realized the Imperial presence was too heavy, both in the ground and in orbit.

 

-Wait a minute. Kallus… When Kallus was here, when he was Fulcrum, he sent his messages from my tower but there wasn't any transmitter there right now- Ezra suddenly remembered. -Oh, that's right. I had taken my parent's broadcaster to the tower back when we were still operating here. Maybe is still in the house...?-

 

He gulped. He didn't think he was ready to return to the house but it seemed like he had no other choice. He needed to check if it was still there. He parked outside and entered when no one was looking. The house was untouched... but older and dustier than he remembered. He moved the couch and climbed down. 

 

His heart skipped a beat. The holodisk with his photo was there, just like that first time. It was like he in fact had never came here with Sabine and the others. His lips made a fine line and pushed down his worry. 

 

-Don't think about it, just take the transmitter and go- 

 

The device was bulky and likely broken, from what he could remember. It would need repairs. He disconnected it and took all the cables and parts he assumed might be important, slipping the holodisk safely onto his pocket to check later, and loaded everything to the bike.  

  
  


Once back in the tower he confirmed the transmitter was broken. He might not be as skilled with electronics as Sabine but he believed he could fix this himself. It would only require more time and a few tools and spare parts. He used part of the money to buy them but that left him dangerously low on money.

 

-It doesn’t matter, once I contact them, things will be alright- 

 

After a few days Ezra finally finished with the transmitter and didn’t waste anymore time. He set the frequency codes of the Ghost.

“Specter 6 here. Specter 1 are you there? Specter 2?” Silence. He tried again. “Specter 6 here…” 

 

Ezra spent an hour trying to reach them. Maybe they were outside the Ghost and didn’t have their comms with them. Ezra changed the codes, this time for the Phantom, and got the same results. 

 

The codes to the Fleet. Nothing.

 

The codes to Yavin. Nothing.

 

He was sweating cold. He was sure he wasn’t being jammed in this channel. He tried the Fulcrum codes. Ahsoka and Kallus had used several codes when transmitting so it took him a while to remember them correctly and go through each one. He had spent already a whole day without sleeping, just trying to contact anyone.

 

“By the light of Lothal’s moons… Please… is anybody there? Can anybody hear me?” Ezra said completely tired. Silence. He left the mic on the table and dropped into the chair. That was the last frequency. He gritted his teeth as an emotion of hopelessness invaded him. There was no one out there… or at least they wouldn’t-

 

“Who is this?” a digitally distorted voice came through startling Ezra. He fumbled to grab the mic again.

 

“HELLO? It’s Ezra! Ezra Bridger!” he said throwing all secrecy and code names to the side.  “I’m in Lothal! I’ve been trying to contact you guys! I can’t find Azadi and-” he heard a soft click, the connection dropped from the other end.  _ Panic _ . “Hello? HELLO? Please. PLEASE. Answer me.”

 

But whoever had been, didn’t respond again. Ezra was on his own… without knowing what had happened to the others. He pushed down the feeling of anxiety and dried the sudden wetness from his eyes with the back of his hand. Ezra needed to get out of here. If he couldn’t reach them, he needed to find them himself.

  
  


With so little money left, he decided to check for a small job around the space port. Luckily for him, he found a hauling cargo opportunity. They wanted young and able bodies... for some reason droids were being restricted in the area. Besides the credits, Ezra was interested on seeing if he could steal one of these ships to escape, but he soon found out most of these ships were bulky, defenseless and slow freighters. He would never make it to orbit before he got shot down. 

 

-Karabast-

 

After a few days like that he started to get desperate. On his spare time he meditated with the Force making some progress with his ability to connect but was like his whole body and mind had forgotten how to connect. He was starting from zero… no, it was worse than when he started. He also knew he could not push himself too much or there could be dire consequences, specially with the state of mind he was in. He might slip with the darkside and he couldn't take that chance.

 

From the space port, Ezra also watched the Inquisitor ship coming and going to the imperial base from afar. 

 

-Don’t worry. As long as I don’t show off… I don’t think they even know I’m here- he kept reminding himself trying to keep the apprehension at bay. He felt powerless, unable to face them or escape.

 

A couple of weeks later, as he was heading to the space port to start his shift, he notices the hangars closed. 

 

“What’chu doing here, kid?” Ezra’s boss said, an older woman with short gray hair.

 

“I… I came to work?” Ezra said confused. Had he missed an announcement or something? To be honest he hadn’t exactly paid much attention other than the types of ships arriving. 

 

“Nuh-uh, I’m not paying double today, just go to the parade like the rest,” she dismissed him. “I might be old, but I can handle one day on my own.”

 

Ezra’s blood ran cold. He remembered now. It was Empire Day. He had just turned 18. 

 

“Oh”

 

“Go and have some fun while you are still young!” the Captain laughed and left him outside the hangar. Ezra stood there looking at the doors for several minutes, then he walked back with a blank expression on his face. The people he crossed were not exactly happy but knew they needed a distraction from their lives and crowed the main streets for whatever entertainment it was being offered. Somehow he found himself standing outside a bar. He entered. The place was bustling, but it was like Ezra couldn’t hear them. 

 

The woman attending the bar watched him approach and stare at the bottles on the back. 

 

“Looking for something in particular?” she raised an eyebrow realizing he wasn’t not entirely there.

 

“No, I just-...” he trailed off.

 

“Here,” she served him a golden liquid in a small glass. “Seems like you need this, love.”

 

Ezra slowly grabbed it and stared at it. He gulped it in one go. 

“That’s the spirit!” the woman reached to pat him in the back and served him another one. 

 

Ezra wasn’t sure how long he was there or how much he drank. Trying to numb his loneliness? No. He knew this wouldn’t work. In fact it was having the opposite effect. It brought memories of his friends to the surface. He missed them. He missed so much. But the missed Kanan the most. His smile, his presence, his care. Ezra's heart ached.

 

“What am I doing? Kanan...” he held back a sob. He didn’t know if Kanan was ok. He had to be ok, right? He had to be.  _ He wouldn’t like you are doing this. You know better than this. _ He heard in the back of his head. He nodded to no one in particular, just left enough credits to cover for his drinks and left the bar. 

 

He was unsure of how he managed to get back to the tower on his own, simply waking up on his bed late at night. It was still a few hours before dawn. Everything was still dark. He sighed deeply. Luckily Ezra's head wasn't hurting so much so he left his bed and simply started cleaning around the room not wanting to go back to sleep again. He had neglected doing chores until now… It was the last thing on his mind but now he needed to keep himself busy without wondering too much about what happened to his friends. He picked his helmets from the floor and placed them back on a low shelf and then...

  
  


He heard the unmistakable sound of lightsabers igniting behind him by the entrance. 

 

-The inquisitors!- was the first thing that came to his mind.

 

Instincts kicked in. He threw two of the helmets back and rolled away from the door. The helmets got slashed mid air before ever hitting its target, two bright white blades moved through the darkness. Ezra's eyes widened.

 

“ _ Ahsoka _ ” he breathed in disbelief. She looked older, worn out and hardened. 

 

"Who are you?” she pointed at him with one of her lightsabers. “Speak!" she demanded glaring. 

  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The impact and pain from a nightmare can be greater than any given blow."

Ahsoka had her white lightsabers pointing at Ezra.

 

“Ahsoka... you- you are alive!” Ezra couldn’t believe his eyes, he slowly got up shaking. She rose her lightsabers meanincingly, but Ezra didn’t care. Ahsoka was here. Somehow she was alive! His eyes filled with tears of happiness. He stepped closer to hug her and a surprised Ahsoka had to turn off the lightsabers just in time before Ezra would impale himself on them. Ezra simply hugged her for a few seconds before she awkwardly reacted pushing him away. 

 

“I said, who are you!?” she kept him at arm’s length. It was at that moment Ezra realized she didn’t knew who he was either.

 

“No, not you too, please,” he begged. Ahsoka narrowed her eyes. This guy certainly seemed to know her and she could feel that both his initial his relief seeing her alive and his current pain were real. His soul was full of turmoil. “It’s me… Ezra. Ezra Bridger. You know me. You must.” 

 

“What are you talking about?” she still couldn’t believe him. She activated her sabers again to demonstrate she wasn’t playing around. “Who gave you the Fulcrum frequency codes? Are you an Inquisitor?”

  
  


“What? No! No, I'm not an Inquisitor,” he raised his hands to show her he meant no harm. “Why... why don't you remember me? Please, just... just tell me the others are fine,” he pleaded.

 

“What others?”

 

“Hera, Sabine, Zeb, Chopper... Kanan... please. Just tell me they are fine,” Ezra was getting desperate again. A shadow of pain crossed over Ahsoka’s face at Ezra’s words.

 

“Where have you heard of those names?” she asked, still suspicious of him.

  
  


“Ahsoka... I'm... I'm Kanan's padawan. We've been helping the Rebellion for years now,” Ezra tried to explain. Ashoka blinked surprised then frowned in confusion.

  
  


“Hera never said anything about Kanan Jarrus getting a Padawan,” she shook her head.

 

“What...? Please, you have to believe me,” Ezra said. Ahsoka gazed at his desperate blue eyes, full of hurt... and lowered her lightsabers.

 

“You are convinced of this.”

 

“What else do I have to say for you to believe me? Hera gave me the fleet codes. You and Kallus gave us the Fulcrum codes. Please, just... just let me talk to them. I don’t know why everything is so wrong. Kanan will help figure this out. I know he will.”

 

“I don’t understand this either. You did have my personal codes. But even if what you say is true… You can’t speak with them…” she said with sadness, looking at the floor.

 

“W-what? Why?” Ezra’s voice trembled.

  
  


“The last time I had contact with the Specters was just before a mission 4 years ago. Hera had let me know they had a tip about some slave wookiees…”

 

“Wait... The ones from-?... Vizago gave them the tip, right? That's when we met! That time! I tried to steal their crates and I had to stick along for the ride. I-”

 

“She never mention anyone else. She said everything had gone without a hitch,” Ahsoka shook her head.

 

“But…”

 

“It seems like it was a trap. They were caught. Sabine Wren was taken to Mandalore and executed for treason. The others... all I know is that they might have executed them on the spot… I never heard of them again.” 

  
  


“What are you-?” he choked the words in shock. “No. No! You are wrong! We escaped! We escaped that ship! We were going to get caught but Hera sent me to warn them and-...” he grew silent and his eyes went wide with horror. He looked around the room, felt the holodisk of his parents still on his pocket.  _ Like he had never met them. _

 

“Oh no... no. I wasn't there. No. Oh God no,” his body had started trembling, tears filled his eyes and Ezra brought his hands up grabbing at his hair.

“Hey, Ezra, right?” Ahsoka noticed he was starting to lose it. “Ezra, you need to calm down.”

 

“How... this can't-... they can't be dead. No. No,” he doubled as if the idea was physically hurting him. He shut his eyes close and reached into the Force like he had never done before in his current state.  “Kanan? PLEASE! WHERE ARE YOU?... KANAN!” he screamed into the Force with all his power but he didn’t found Kanan’s warmth… he found only coldness. Ezra gave out a painful cry as if his heart had just been stabbed with a freezing blade. He almost fell back but Ahsoka managed to keep him from hitting himself in the floor. He was exhausted, completely drained. He had used all his strength to reach in to the Force like that. He sobbed weakly.

 

“I was supposed to be there…! I was supposed to save them. I did. I know I did,” Ezra assured Ahoska, as she held him up. She allowed him to cry in her shoulder. Somehow, even if she didn’t know him, his feelings were real. His feelings for the defunct Ghost crew were real. A Force sensitive who was in clear needed of her right now. 

 

“Breathe,” she whispered patting him in the back. After a few minutes, Ezra was still sobbing but his heartbeat had stabilized. He just felt so lost. They were gone, all of them. What was he supposed to do now? 

 

Ahsoka narrowed her eyes looking at the door. 

 

“We need to move,” she said. Ezra looked up confused. He could barely think straight, but he forced through the haze of his pain to focus on what Ahsoka was saying. “I've been trying to hide my presence as much as I could, but I think by you reaching in to the Force like that... you might have attracted some attention,” Ahsoka explained to him once he confirmed he was actually listening to her.

  
  


“The Inquisitor,” Ezra whispered with worry looking at the door and to the city in the distance.  “I-I don't have my lightsaber... I-...” he was useless in a fight. He could barely do anything. He had just placed Ahsoka in danger. Why? WHY?

 

“Come,” Ahsoka extended her hand and grabbed his arm. She guided him outside, down the tower and into her small ship. They didn’t take to orbit and instead Ahsoka flew low away from the city. The trip was all a blur to Ezra... like if this was happening to someone else. It couldn’t be him. This couldn’t be real. 

 

But it was.

 

He came back to his full senses a few hours later. Ahsoka was taking them away into the spire mountains to hide. Ezra was sitting in the cockpit, his head against the window, seeing everything pass below him. He tried to take a deep breath but his chest hurt from crying this long. 

 

“We will wait a bit here,” Ahsoka pointed at a small clearing and landed. The silence between was tense. She clearly wanted to understand and help Ezra but was still at a loss as much as him.

  
  


“We never met. They died because we never met here… But I met them. I lived with them until now...”

  
  


“Wouldn't be possible you imagined everything?”

 

“No. I lived it. It was real,” he said defensively and starting to get frustrated. But at least he finally had someone who could hear him and, perhaps, help him. “It was as real as you sitting here. I know the codes, right? I mean... I know stuff I could only learn from them. Stuff no one else know…”

 

“You were surprised I was alive,” she countered.

 

“Yes… some stuff is different from what I lived because I never met them… Kanan, you and I had gone to Malachor to investigate how to stop the Inquisitors. We lost you there… you stayed back to stop a Sith Lord and allow us to escape,” he said looking down in shame.

 

“Malachor? The Sith planet of the old stories?” she blinked a little surprised. “And did you find what you were looking for?”

 

“Yes… but no. It was all wrong. It made things worse… I…” he remembered Kanan getting blinded and shook his head. They had gone past that. Kanan had assured him he didn’t blame him for that. “There was a terrible weapon and a Sith holocron there. They were nothing but trouble,” he said bitterly from experience. 

 

“And… how did you find out about that?”

 

“Oh, the Jedi Temple here in Lothal. We contacted-...” he trailed off. The Temple. Yoda.

 

“There’s a Temple here?” Ashoka asked curiously.

 

“YES!” he exclaimed suddenly excited. Maybe they could contact Yoda! “The Jedi Temple here in Lothal. Even though I managed to find it on my own, Kanan had its location in his Holocron, that’s how-... Wait,” his blood ran cold. “Kanan’s Holocron. It must have been on the Ghost when they were caught…” Ezra gritted his teeth in anger. “Karabast if they found the Holocron on the ship they might know of the Temple.” 

 

Something nudged Ezra in the back of his mind. 

 

“I know the coordinates. Can you take us there? Please?” Ezra asked with pleading eyes. Ahsoka’s lips made a fine line. 

 

“Listen. I can’t stay here in Lothal for long. I need to return to the Rebel Cell in Garel soon…” she explained. “I’ll take you there… but you will have to decide if you want to do then.”

 

“Alright…” Ezra nodded. “Thank you.”

 

Ahsoka placed the coordinates Ezra gave her into the auto pilot and they were heading North in no time. A few hours later they saw the lone rock in front of them. 

 

“This is it,” Ezra got off the ship and felt the chilled air. He rubbed his arms for warmth but it was no use. He shook his head. “I’ll need your help. A master and apprentice is needed to open the Temple.”

 

Ahsoka made a face… she certainly didn’t like that idea. 

 

“I’m not a Jedi,” she shook her head.

 

“I know… but… you are the only one who can help. Please.”

 

Ashoka looked around at the endless fields. Dark clouds and shadows gathered in the horizon. She sighed. Was this all a plot of the Force? 

 

“Very well,” she shrugged and stepped into the circle with Ezra.

 

Ezra really, really hoped this could work. He remembered his powers were a lot more developed when he came here the first time than how he was now, so he was taking a big risk, specially because he still felt exhausted from his earlier outburst. They both raised their arms and concentrated. The temple seemed to greet them the same way like the first time. It turned around and showed them the first entrance. It wouldn’t budge for the second one. 

 

Ezra sighed in relief. This should be enough. They entered the first area… and Ezra was expecting to see the old corpses he remembered but it was all clear. 

 

“Huh,” Ezra raised an eyebrow. 

 

“Is something wrong?” Ahsoka asked looking with interest at the engravings in the walls of the larger area.

 

“Not exactly, but-” when Ezra turned around, he was already in the space full of stars. He gasped. The Temple had taken him directly here? There had been several trials during his first time here… perhaps the Temple knew he had already passed them?  A ray of hope shone on his heart. 

 

“H-hello?” he called into the stars. He suddenly realized this place was like the one on the last dream he had before he woke up here, but before he could follow on that though he head a familiar voice.

 

“Mmmh… suffering great loss you are?” a whisper echoed around Ezra.

 

“Master Yoda!”

 

“Indeed, yes. Met me before, you have. Yet, know you I don’t. Mmmh... mysterious this is...”

 

“I know! Things are all wrong! I had seen you here before. I had passed my first trials. I was with Kanan and the others helping the Rebellion, but now… it’s like I never knew them! They are... they are dead" he was holding back his tears. "Why? Do you know what is happening to me? How can I make things as they were? Make it all right! Please!” 

 

“As they are, things are. Your right, someone’s wrong might be. But yes… more light your life had. Here, almost triumphed the darkness has…”

 

“So you are saying… I can’t go back? I... can’t fix things?” Ezra’s shoulder dropped, tears had started to stream down his cheeks almost without realizing.

 

“Perhaps. Many things changed or restored cannot be… yet nothing is impossible for the Force. Connected to this place you are… but improve your sight you must to see if answers are within.”

 

Ezra nodded and dried his tears. “I… I think I understand. I need to train. Last time I contacted you here I could even see you, but I right now I can barely hear you. Is like... I stopped training a muscle... it atrophied.” 

 

“Hmm-mm, good. A start that is.”

 

“There’s one thing though. It seems like Ahsoka and the Rebels are still fighting. The Inquisitors are here too… If I’m staying here, I need a way to protect myself. I don’t want to be a burden to Ahsoka or anyone...I’ll help her, I'll help them for as long as I can.” 

 

“Learned well you have,” Yoda hummed with approval.

 

“Yes…” Ezra said feeling his heart wince at the memory of Kanan. 

 

“Mmh… still, great is your loss. Beware of the darkness or consume you it will. Selflessness is the path to the light… remember well”

 

“I will,” Ezra nodded and saw a gleam above him. A familiar blue light. Ezra reached up and slowly grabbed it and smiled sadly. He took it close to his heart. -Kanan- 

 

When he opened his eyes, he was back with Ahsoka. 

 

“So?” Ahsoka raised and eyebrow looking back from the engravings of wolves in the walls. 

 

“Huh…” Ezra looked around. “I’m back.”

 

“What? You never left,” she frowned confused.

 

“No, I just did. Look…” he said showing the crystal at the palm of his hand. 

 

“Oh...” she smiled and gave a small chuckle seemingly satisfied. “A Jedi Temple alright. They have tricks. You never know what to expect.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Did you learn anything then?”

 

“I know what I have to do,” Ezra said with a little more resolve than before. His voice was still shaking from all crying but he was holding together better than he expected. Didn’t change the fact he felt like someone had just ripped his heart out. “I need to get better with the Force. I think I’m too weak to do anything right now. I’ll stay with you and try to help the Rebellion as much as I can until then… if that’s ok with you,” he said tentatively.

 

This was so sudden. Ahsoka could see something was afoot here with the Force. It wasn’t like she could turn him away like if it was nothing. She sighed. 

 

“Alright. It will be weird to have you around. I’ve gotten used to work alone mostly but… I believe you. You need me… and if you said things were better where you come from then perhaps our Rebellion needs you too more than I can imagine,” she nodded. 

 

Ezra was feeling just a little bit better when they exited the Temple. The rock turned back, hiding itself in the ground, just like that time long ago… on his other life. Ezra sighed, keeping the Kyber over his heart but then… he caught movement in the corner of his eyes. He looked at the fields… the grass moving with the rising wind of a coming storm. And for a moment, Ezra could have swore he saw a dark beast’s yellow eyes staring back at him but, in a blink, it was gone. Ezra felt a chill down his spine. 

 

“Hey” Ahsoka touched his shoulder and his whole body jolted.

 

“Wha!”

 

“Woah, are you ok?”

 

“I…” he looked back. “I think I saw something.”

 

Ahsoka frowned checking the horizon seeing nothing, and closed her eyes. She shrugged. “I don’t feel anyone there. It must have been some animal. C’mon, let’s go,” she patted him in the shoulder and motioned him into the ship.

 

Ezra gulped and got inside with a quick pace. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something had just been hunting him. Searching for him. Wanting to kill him. Destroy him. Something that made him clutch at his heart and want to leave Lothal immediately. 

  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Who says that dreams and nightmares are not as real as the here and now?"

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Ahsoka asked Ezra while they took to orbit. Her small ship had a cargo ID in rule and didn’t have any problems crossing the tight security with several Imperial ships. 

 

“I… We were returning to the base. To Yavin,” Ezra explained staring blankly at the stars.

 

“Yavin, huh?” Ahsoka’s eyes lit up with interest. “We have prospected the area before but we were still thinking on our options. Most of the others cells refuse to work together.”

 

“Yeah, I figured,” Ezra remembered there hadn’t been any transmission from his part or… “Wait. What about Mon Mothma? Is she still alive?”

 

“Oh… She got captured a while back when she left the Senate,” Ahsoka bit her lower lip. That had been a morale blow for everyone. They hadn’t gotten to her on time. Ezra sunk on his seat. Something in the back of his mind told him that maybe if his parents hadn’t heard the transmission they might be still alive in prison, but Azadi was also missing and… he couldn’t sense them. Just like the Ghost crew… all he could feel was either a void or coldness. They had died. He closed his eyes as a few tears rolled down his cheeks, but he hurried to dried them.

 

“Just before returning to base, we had saved a few engineers and destroyed a huge kyber crystal. Gerrera wanted to-”

 

“Saw Gerrera?” Ahsoka frowned. “You were working with Saw Gerrera??” she said with disgust and anger.

 

“A couple of times… we didn’t part in the best terms,” he said a little nervous. “Why?”

 

Ashoka was scowling looking ahead. “We lost Lothal because of him.”

 

“What!?” 

 

“After the Ghost Crew disappeared, no other group took their place… things went downhill pretty quick,” Ahsoka explained and took a deep breath. “When they opened that TIE fighter factory in Lothal... a lot of people didn’t have another option and started to work there. Then, it seems Gerrera caught wind they were doing some kind of secret project there and… he used a service droid to blow the fuel depot… on rush hour.”

 

Ezra’s jaw dropped. “How many dea-?”

 

“Several hundred workers died. Thousands were injured. He said that whoever was helping the Empire in any way deserved to go down with them. The people of Lothal lost all trust on the Rebels… Several sympathizers were arrested snitched by locals. They didn’t like the Empire but at least they wouldn’t blow their own, they said.”

 

A ball of anger started to grow on Ezra’s throat. That’s why they were contracting people instead of droids to do menial tasks at the port. He regretted not looking up further when he was back there. 

 

“Gerrera was… not good… but we had managed to talk to him out of doing a bunch of stuff before,” Ezra said in low voice. “But yeah… he was certainly going on that direction”.

 

The travel through hyperspace to Garel was short. Surprisingly, Garel didn’t seem too different from what Ezra remembered from his early time here. Ahsoka took Ezra to present him to Sato as Jedi-in-training and left it at that. Seeing Sato was… a shock too. His eyes didn’t have that passion he used to have working for the Rebellion. He looked sad and somewhat bitter.

 

-Oh no...Mart.- Ezra thought. Mart must have been either killed or taken prisoner over Mykapo. -Dammit...the rest of my friends… Zare, his sister, Jai...- they were gone. Even if he was visible upset he shook Sato’s hand and promised to do whatever it was possible to help them. Ahsoka and him obviously left out the issue of Ezra coming from another reality… no one else needed to know.

 

“If Ahsoka vouches for you, then I can’t turn you down. If you are going to stay here you will need some new ID and papers for Garel,” Sato said giving him a curious look. “Please, go to this address with our contact. Give her this code…”

 

Ezra went on his own, while Ahsoka and Sato discussed the state of Lothal, explaining what she had seen and the increased security. Ezra knew the streets on this city so he had no problem to find the house with the contact. He knocked once, then thrice, then once, just as he was told. The door opened a little and he could see a woman peering through. 

 

“Yes?”

 

“I need help with a poem. I heard you are a good writer,” Ezra said the secret password too. These Rebels were really suspicious and paranoid, always looking over their shoulder, and he couldn’t blame them. The woman huffed and nodded.

 

“Fine, fine, I can help,” she said with some reluctance and opened the door. Ezra gasped recognizing her.

 

“Maketh Tua,” he whispered in disbelief. Tua’s face was washed with fear and pulled him inside quickly and looking outside worriedly hoping no one had heard him.

 

“Don’t go saying that in the open! I’m not Maketh Tua. My name is Rita Zante. Alright??” she pointed at him shaking with fear. “How do you know me? Have they put a hit on my head? Have you seen wanted posters or something?” 

 

“Oh… no. I… I used to live in Lothal,” he tried to find the right explanation. “I lived in Lothal all my life until recently.” 

 

“Ah… I see,” she straightened up regaining a little of her composure. “I see. Alright… that explains that. You almost killed me from the impression… just… don’t go saying my old name around. Ok, if you come for Lothal making your fake ID will be easier for me… just sit there.”

 

Ezra sat watching her go through some info on her datapad and comparing it to a stack of papers she had in a desk. Maketh Tua was alive here. She had not been killed when trying to defect when they were being chased by Vader. Ezra remembered Yoda’s words:

 

Your right, someone’s wrong might be.

 

If he made things ‘right’ it would mean Ahsoka, Sato and Tua would be gone. Who knows how many other people would be affected. He shook his head.

 

-Just focus on the problem at hand. Helping the Rebellion. I’m still too weak to do anything about it so there’s no point on worrying on...consequences.-

  
  


After an hour or so, Ezra had the best fake ID he’d ever seen. For all intents and purposes he was now a citizen of Garel. He was also given a tiny private room in an apartment building instead of a shared one on their “base”. It was sad to see this Rebellion so far behind of his own. That night, in the privacy of his room, he cried silently, letting all his pain and sadness out. He knew he couldn’t keep it all in or it would lead him closer to the darkside. Holding at the pillow, he sobbed for his friends and he sobbed for Kanan. He cried for how alone he felt and how much he missed him. But he needed to keep going… even if it hurt. And with that, his new life with the Rebellion started from scratch. 

 

During the following days, Ezra would make small ‘milk runs’, help with scouting, spying and all the normal things he could do without the aid of the Force. On the days Ahsoka returned from some secret meeting or mission they would train and meditate together. As soon as he finished his lightsaber (this time with a regular hilt but with his old blue crystal) he started sparring with Ahsoka seriously. Her training style was very different from Kanan’s, making much more aggressive and dangerous approaches. It was harder than what he remembered, or maybe he was just too far behind? She would push his physical and mental limits with the Force. In any case, Ahsoka was impressed. While his connection with the Force was slowly recovering, luckily, his memories for his fighting techniques were almost untouched.

 

His nights were restless and every day he would wake up feeling worried and alone. His heart ached, but all he could remember from his dreams was a thick darkness and a sense of hopelessness. 

 

-No, I can’t give in. Kanan wouldn’t want me to...- and that gave him just enough warmth to keep going.

 

One day, Ezra had been tasked on delivering a package to a group on another city in Garel. He took a bike and headed out by himself. He didn’t expect any trouble… but he also never expected to get his life turned around more than already was.

  
  


He was driving down the highway, no other transport on sight, when he heard it. He pressed the brakes so fast he almost thrown ahead from the inertia. He looked around and up almost desperately until he saw it.

 

The Ghost flew overhead. 

 

A chill ran down his spine. He was frozen in shock. Even though it was repainted, he could have recognize the sound of the engines anywhere, in this reality or back home. Then, after a second he accelerated chasing it. It was also heading towards the same city, but it was going much faster and quickly left him behind. He reached into the Force, trying to feel if he recognized who was flying it but it was a stranger. A ball of anger started to form on his stomach. Someone had taken the Ghost for themselves. He rushed through the gates of the city and the streets to the spaceport as fast as he could, but by the time he found the right landing pad, the ship was already leaving. 

 

“NO!” Ezra cursed watching it go. He turned around and saw a bunch Troopers looking at him. They were moving some cargo around. Ezra became very still.

 

“Do you have a problem?” one of the troopers asked, suspicious of him.  

 

“Oh… sorry. I just… I just saw that ship and… I had never seen a VCX-100 modded like that. Wow! I mean, it was a  VCX-100 right? I wished I could see it more closely!” Ezra laughed nervously and looking sheepish. 

 

“Yeah, a VCX-100,” the trooper wasn't totally convinced. “You can’t stay here while we load our cargo to the transport. Now scram,” the trooper motioned him to get back.

 

“Yeah! Sorry! Sorry, sir!” Ezra turned around, his smile immediately disappearing from his face as soon as he was out of sight from them. He went to ask around the port about details on the Ghost, always under the pretense of being a fanatic of modded ships. He even used a few terms he had heard from Hera and Sabine to sound knowledgeable. All he learned was what he feared… 

 

The Ghost, it seemed, was propriety of the Empire right now. With some more coaxing, he also learned the ship used to make deliveries from Lothal and a few other systems to this port. They said it should be heading for Lothal right now.

 

Cursing in low voice he delivered the package he was meant to and went back to Ahsoka immediately. She had just left from a talk with Sato when he arrived to their ‘base’.

 

“We need to talk,” he didn’t even wait for a hello, pulling her aside. He explained everything what he saw and learned. “We need to get the Ghost back”

 

“Ezra…” she wasn't sure of his idea.

 

“No, no you don’t get it. If I remember correctly the Holocron AND Kanan’s lightsaber could be still there, hidden away in a secret compartment.”

 

“The holocron that you said had the coordinates to the Temple on Lothal?” Ahsoka blinked with worry.

 

“YES! Besides… I have seen what other ships this Rebel cell has in the fleet. They couldn’t hold a candle to the Ghost,” Ezra said with sadness. “Hera would never want the Ghost on Imperial hands. She would have wanted the Rebellion to use it for our cause.”

 

Ahsoka sighed and nodded. “You are right. Let’s get it back.”

 

They flew to Lothal that same day, wasting no time. They went into the city taking care to avoid the patrols and went to the edge of the Imperial base. They saw the Ghost on one of the landing pads. 

 

“We can use it to flee. If any ship is capable crossing the blockade while being chased, it's the Ghost,” Ezra said with resolution.

 

They both headed stealthily towards the ship… but midway, Ezra stopped in his place, a chill ran down his spine. The Force was trying to tell him something. Trying to catch his attention.

 

“Ezra?”

 

“I…” he blinked in confusion, unable to explain what he was feeling.

 

“HEY!” someone yelled behind him. A Storm Trooper had glimpsed them, attracting the attention of his peers and raised their blasters.

 

“Dammit!” Ezra barely had time to throw himself to the side to avoid being shot. Ahsoka also took cover, trying not to take her lightsabers out and reveal themselves as Jedi.

  
  


Somewhere inside the base, Kallus was tensily reporting to the Inquisitor, who had seemingly lost interest on their talk. Something had caught his attention, but with the mask on, Kallus couldn’t tell exactly what. He dared not to ask because from the moment the new Inquisitor had arrived on Lothal Kallus could feel a great hatred towards his persona from him. Kallus didn’t want to give this man any excuse to cut his head off. At that moment, his comm activated.

 

“SIR! We got intruders on the west landing port. Seems like they trying to steal a  VCX-100 freighter!”

 

Kallus blinked. He knew that ship. Before he could say anything, the Inquisitor raised from his seat, igniting his red lightsaber. 

 

“I'll deal will them. Send all available troops to stall them,” the Inquisitor ordered him.

 

“What-?” Kallus started but the blade came suddenly dangerously close to his throat. He stiffened. 

 

“Do it,” it was the last warning. Kallus felt a chill down his spine. Pure hatred. 

 

“As you wish.”

  
  


Ezra was returning fire when he noticed the growing number of Troopers showing up between them and the Ghost… And then they saw a red glow coming out of the doors of the base from their right. An inquisitor was running towards them.

 

“We will have to fight,” Ahsoka took her lightsabers. “We need to get to the Ghost, NOW.”

 

“I'll handle the Inquisitor,” Ezra said suddenly realizing their situation.

 

“What?”

 

“I can't block all those blasters without better Force reflexes, you know that. My fighting technique is the best thing I have right now. I can hold the Inquisitor back while you clear off a path.”

 

She gritted her teeth. He was right.

 

“Don't get killed,” she nodded and stood in the open deflecting blast after blast towards the troopers, knocking them out.

 

Ezra needed to buy time and not get beheaded while doing it. Yes, his lightsaber technique was mostly intact... but not having his full Force proficiency back was going to be a problem as many of the forms required almost supernatural precision and timing to pull off.

 

“Stick to the basics. Mix it up,” he murmured under his breath. This wasn't an Inquisitor he had met before so he had no idea of his fighting style. He had a feeling of apprehension on his stomach as he ran towards the Inquisitor. 

 

-Yeah, this is dangerous, but there is no other way!- he told himself trying to dismiss the emotion. Ezra went all out with an aggressive approach, combining Form 1 and Form 2, surprising the Inquisitor who immediately fell back to a defensive style. Ezra was glad. It seemed the Inquisitor had not expected someone like him to be able to bring that into a fight. This was risky, but Ezra was almost sure he would be able to go toe with toe with an Inquisitor with a similar level. He knew he needed to dictate the terms of the fight and not give him one moment of respite... and yet... 

 

Something was wrong.

 

The more he fought, the more the feeling of apprehension grew on him. Now that he had a better connection with the Force he could feel the alarms in the back of his mind. He needed to stop. He needed to get away. The Inquisitor sensed his hesitation and countered back. Ezra had suddenly lost the upper hand on their duel. In a desperate risky move, Ezra blocked then swirled around, rising his lightsaber, vertically slashing off the mask from the Inquisitors face. The inquisitor had jumped back just in time avoiding  getting his face slashed too. 

 

The mask fell. The Inquisitor turned to Ezra ready for more. Ezra saw him and his eyes went wide with horror as his whole body reeled back on a state of shock.

 

NO. IT CAN'T BE.

 

Ahsoka felt his fear through the Force, making her look back with worry.

 

“Ezra?”

 

Ezra couldn't speak. He couldn't move. He couldn't breathe.

 

It was Kanan. Short hair. Tattoo marks on his face. Bright yellow eyes… Ezra's lightsaber fell from his hand and he didn't even notice.

 

“I can feel your despair. The dread…” Kanan narrowed his eyes with an evil pleased smirk.

 

“EZRA!” the scream urged him into action but it seemed so far away and he couldn't look back. He could only see and hear HIM, approaching with the red lightsaber.

 

“Kanan,” Ezra managed to say. His voice was trembling, his body barely holding up. The name made the Inquisitor stop in his tracks and frown, perhaps surprised to hear the name again.

 

“...Wrong. Tenth Brother,” he shook his head.

 

“...No…” tears started falling from Ezra's eyes. He felt the world around him collapsing, the core of his being cracking under despair.

 

“Strange. You are not afraid of dying. What is it then?” Kanan asked curiously but Ezra just looked at him helplessly. “No matter... it ends here.”

 

“Snap out of it!” Ahsoka yelled running to him and felt a surge in the Force just like that day in the tower.

 

“NO!” Ezra cried out just as Kanan raised the lightsaber to strike him. Ezra released a huge Force push sending Kanan flying back in surprise. Ezra collapsed in the floor like last time but Ahsoka was there the next second.

  
  


“Stand up! We're leaving!” she picked his lightsaber and grabbed him by the wrist pulling him up. She had finished with the troopers blocking them from the Ghost but soon more would follow.

 

“No... Kanan!” Ezra weakley resisted.

 

“I can't fight him and defend you at the same time!”

 

“Kanan!” he was out of himself but Ahsoka was stronger. 

 

“Move!”

 

“I have to-” he pleaded.

 

“He's an inquisitor now!” she was almost dragging him away.

 

“NO!” he cried out in despair, just as he caught glimpse of Kanan standing up with murderous hatred in his eyes. And that sight made something inside Ezra break and he let himself be guided into the Ghost without another word.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank Backtothe80scolors on tumblr for doing an amazing commission of Inquisitor Kanan for this chapter. Check it out! 
> 
> https://backtothe80scolors.tumblr.com/post/177209421503/kanan-inquisitor-fanfic-shonen-ai-uma-fic-donde
> 
> She's an amazing artist from Brazil! 
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you are enjoying the story so far! Thank you so much for reading. If you like it please leave a comment! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "He wondered if sanity had completely forsaken him in a land where nightmares and reality existed side-by-side."

Everything was wrong.

 

Ezra stumbled into the Ghost's cargo area. Ahsoka had left him there as she ran to the cockpit. 

 

Ezra's legs gave out and he fell to his knees. His heartbeat was erratic and he could feel it hammering on his ears. He couldn't breathe. An oppressing overwhelming despair was drowning him. He barely felt the ship shaking as it took off. He stumbled forward, supporting himself on the walls, blindingly moving towards the cabins. Everywhere he turned to look hurted him. Everything was different in a way Hera would have completely disapproved of. He somehow managed to get to Kanan's room, which also was decorated differently. Ezra's body was trembling as he approached the bed and kneeled. His shivering hand opened the secret compartment and...

 

Kanan's lightsaber and the holocron rolled into the view.

 

Ezra covered his mouth with his hands, choking back a sorrowful sob. 

 

Ezra.

 

He failed him. 

 

Ezra.

 

He was supposed to be there for him.

 

EZRA!

 

Ezra snapped out of it and gasped at the strong urging through the Force.

 

"EZRA! THE TURRETS! NOW!" Ahsoka's voice ordered through the comms. 

 

He tried to swallow but he couldn't, and forced himself up and out of Kanan's room. Ahsoka needed him right now. 

 

"I'm... I'm coming," he said as loudly as he could but came out barely as a strained whisper. 

 

He sat himself in the turret and... he couldn't remember the rest. He couldn't remember how many TIE fighters he shot down or if he actually hit any. He just allowed instinct and the Force to take over until he noticed the stars and the blue lights of hyperspace. He stared in silence for a second, his hands still tightly gripping the controls of the turret.

 

Ezra slowly returned to the main corridor where Ahsoka was already waiting for him with a worried look on her face. She said nothing, just staring at him for a long moment. She bit her lip, grabbed a first aid kit on the wall and approached him.

 

“Let me see….” She gently grabbed his right hand and looked at his arm. Ezra frowned confused until he realized a shot had grassed him and had burned a part of his sleeve. On any other circumstance the pain would have bothered him, but not now... The way he was emotionally hurting was numbing, overwhelming, crushing. This wound was nothing compared to it. He wordlessly stared at the floor as Ahsoka cleaned the wound. 

 

Tears welled in his eyes and he shook his head. The image of Kanan’s yellow eyes wouldn’t leave his mind.

 

“He wouldn't fall... he would never join the darkside... not Kanan. Not him. He was... he was better than me. He wouldn't be tempted…” Ezra sobbed in denial.

 

“…” Ahsoka said nothing else as she finished curing his arm, but then Ezra’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

 

“... You said he was dead,” he said, feeling slightly betrayed.

 

“I thought he was,” Ahsoka said with honesty. Ezra’s lips trembled.

 

“M-maybe Hera and others are alive too,” Ezra looked up to her with hope.

 

“Ezra,” Ahsoka said gently but firmly.

 

“Maybe they are-”

 

“Ezra... they are gone,” she shook her head. And she was right. Ezra hadn’t even considered until now that the coldness he had felt when reaching out looking for Kanan had been in fact the darkside in his heart instead of his death. The others absences didn’t feel like that. He gritted his teeth trying his best not to break down again.

 

“I have to save him!”

 

“He doesn't need saving. He made a choice by joining the Darkside,” she said sadly, trying to make him see reality. “You cannot save someone who doesn’t want saving.”

 

“NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I know the pull! He was there for me when I needed him the most! He brought me back into the light! I have to-!”

 

“How? How do you expect to save him?” Ahsoka asked, her eyes hardening. “Talking? Changing his mind? He is something else. He just tried to murder you just like any other Inquisitor would. Ezra, he doesn't know you. This is not the same Kanan you met!”

 

“He was. He still can be,” he said turning to her. He was not crying anymore. “I'll reach to him. I'll show him.”

 

Ahsoka’s mouth opened in disbelief realizing what he intended. “You want to get into his head to show him?? Ezra, What you want to attempt is dangerous. He can overpower you and you will be vulnerable instead! You barely have control of your powers.”

 

“You saw what I did back there... that's what I was! That's how I used to be until I woke up here! I- I just need practice again!”

 

“You need to let him go. Getting too attached is not the Jedi way,” she carefully warned him, placing her hand on his good shoulder.

 

“I would gladly give up being a Jedi if that means I can save him,” he glared stepping away from her, but then… his expression softened filled with sadness and looked down, all his anger suddenly gone. “But I know that’s not what Kanan would want,” he bit his lip, tears streaming down his cheeks again. “I know… I know I would have to let him go. I know that’s what he would want. But I’m not ready to do that. I’m not ready to let go. Not yet.” 

 

Ezra looked up at her with pleading eyes. “Ahsoka, please, I have to do this. I have to do this or I’ll never forgive myself for not helping him and wondering if I ever could.”

 

Ahsoka was silently looking at him with worried eyes. She felt her own heart hurting… as if this was too familiar. 

 

“... Even if you show him the man he was, the man he can be, he might still refuse you and attempt to kill you,” she reminded him. 

 

“I know,” he nodded with understanding and a determined look in his bright blue eyes.

 

She sighed in defeat. 

 

“Were you this frustrating with him too?”

 

“All the time,” he said with a bittersweet smile. 

 

“Fine... we will practice. But if this doesn’t work out (and you don’t get killed in the process)… you will move on,” she looked at him intently.

 

“I will,” he said. Or at least he would try. 

 

* * *

 

 

“I see. You did well on reporting the presence of the Apprentice immediately,” the Grand Inquisitor said turning from the window looking down at the base’s courtyard. 

  
  


“I do as you command,” the Inquisitor, the Tenth Brother, the man who used to call himself Kanan Jarrus said almost mechanically. He was kneeling in front of him.

 

“Now, why would two Jedi want to steal a simple light freighter?” The Grand Inquisitor questioned with interest and was amused at the ripple of concern from his minion.

 

“I don't know, my Lord.”

 

The Grand Inquisitor calmly ignited his lightsaber and placed it close to the Tenth Brother’s face. “You dare to lie to me? You know this ship,” he said coldly.

 

“I thought it was destroyed,” the Tenth Brother said with honesty. “If these two Jedi are working for the Rebellion, it might have an emotional value for them… for what it represents. Perhaps recovering it was to boost their morale?” he offered. There was no way anyone else alive had known about his stuff, so he honestly didn't know what other reason they would have to steal the Ghost. He had assumed the holocron had been destroyed with the Ghost so he never mentioned it to the Grand Inquisitor either.

 

“Perhaps,” the Grand Inquisitor narrowed his eyes. “The Rebels have been eradicated on most sectors. Tell me, who is this young man?”

 

“My Lord?”

 

“The young man,” he hated to repeat himself. He would have to punish him later, but now it was not the time. “I saw the security holos and read the reports. The closest troopers heard him say the name of a  _ dead man _ as he was dragged away by the Apprentice.”

 

“I don't who he is. I had never seen him before,” Tenth Brother said tensing, his tone and expression hardening. The Grand Inquisitor stared at him for a few seconds and nodded.

 

“I believe you. Yet, you failed to stop them. You were defeated so easily,” he sighed in disappointment.  

 

“That was-” the Tenth Brother tried to object but the Grand Inquisitor slapped him. The Grand Inquisitor felt a surge of fury on the Tenth Brother but he knew he couldn’t fight him.

 

“You let your guard down and he got you beaten in a swift move… tsk tsk. You couldn't do anything about it. You are weak. Pathetic. And here I thought you might have some potential.” He shook his head but grinned showing his sharp teeth. “You know why I sent you here in the first place.”

 

“To test me,” the Tenth Brother seethed. The Grand Inquisitor nodded and leaned closer to him to whisper something. 

 

“Tell me... Do you want to kill him? The urge must be strong.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And yet, you are forbidden to strike him. Good,” the Grand Inquisitor chuckled and moved away. “Use that hatred. Embrace it and channel it to destroy the Jedi. This is your first test, and so far it is not going well for you.”

 

“I won't fail you.”

 

“You better not. So far you have been worthless. I will send the others to search in the neighboring systems. These Jedi shouldn’t be too far away. Stay here. If they have some kind of sentimentality with this ship and that old name… they might return to Lothal. Wait for them and catch them. Do you understand?”

 

“Yes, My Lord,” the Tenth Brother bowed his head and the Grand Inquisitor left the room. 

 

This was quite the turn of events. The Apprentice and an unknown Jedi had been sighted in Lothal. Lord Vader would want them to focus on finding her. The Grand Inquisitor saw Agent Kallus on the way out and gave him an evil smirk. The human looked pale and doing his best to keep his composure now. The Grand Inquisitor knew why. Four years ago, Kallus’ trap for the Rebels had costed the lives of the Lasat and the Twi’lek. He had sent the Mando girl back to his planet for trial only to learn later she had been executed at arrival. In response, Clan Wren had risen up without any support from other clans and were completely obliterated. The Grand Inquisitor had informed all this to Kanan as he tortured him and saw with extreme pleasure how the last of his will was snuffed out. He wanted to die, but this was not to be. He didn’t deserve to be freed of this torture. This was his fault. Bringing him to Lothal again served to fuel the self-hatred. The Grand Inquisitor wondered if Agent Kallus would ever sleep again now that he recognized the Tenth Brother’s previous identity and gave a small chuckle as he left for his ship.

 

* * *

 

  
  


After getting rid of anything that might have help to track the ship, Ahsoka and Ezra decided to stay low and train on the ship while things calmed down. Ahsoka knew that they would be hunted so she didn’t want to risk attracting any attention back to Garel.

 

“Alright,” Ahsoka sighed and sat cross-legged in front of Ezra. “I guess we should start with what you want to show him. I don't think he will ever expect a strong mental intrusion but you need to show him something that he won’t be able to counter easily. Something that takes him completely by surprise.” 

 

Ezra nodded and his eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

 

“Hera,” Ezra nodded with a sad smile. “He loved her. I don’t know much of his time before… but I know Hera was the one who pulled him back into the fight. I can only imagine that losing her was the reason he-...” Ezra couldn’t finish the sentence. He felt his own heart wincing in pain.

 

“Hn, I understand. It’s a good choice,” Ahsoka offered a small smile. “They were close. He might not have a link with you, but perhaps reminding him of his bond with her might stir something within.” 

 

“Yes, maybe he still has a bond to those memories. He came immediately when we were trying to get the Ghost,” Ezra said hopefully.

 

“But… he might have thought the ship was destroyed just like I did and now just wanted the Holocron inside,” Ahsoka said pointing out the possibility.

 

“...Maybe, yeah…” Ezra said with sadness.

 

“You need to hope for the best but… prepare for the worst,” Ahsoka reminded him touching his shoulder. 

 

“I know,” Ezra looked down, avoiding her eyes. She sighed.

 

“We will start easy. Clear your mind and try to bring forth a memory of Hera. Once you have master that clarity, the next step would be to try to show it to me without me having to rummage through your mind. Ready?”

 

“Ready,” Ezra said with resolution.

  
  
  


Weeks passed. Every morning Ezra would wake up with tears on his eyes, barely rested, a pressure on his chest and heart. He couldn’t remember the dream… the nightmare. It all blurred with reality. Ezra could only get the feeling he had been calling to him. 

 

Ezra managed to improve greatly his Force abilities. His mind was focused like he had never done before. He could now prompt the images of his memories to Ahsoka with enough clarity. The last week of training had been to improve against her mental defenses. He needed to be strong enough to bypass them but not so forceful to hurt her mind. Ezra needed to be careful with that. 

 

“We have a problem,” Ahsoka said one day looking over at their plans. “We can’t use the Ghost to return to Lothal to search for him. Even if we change the identification codes, he knows the ship too well. You identified it just by hearing the engines so we have to assume he will do the same. We will need to find a fast ship with enough firepower to break through the blockade if when we have to leave or get discovered.” 

 

“A fast ship with enough firepower?” Ezra blinked realizing something. He had completely forgotten about it until now. “I… I think I know where to get one.”

 

“We have limited resources, so we will have to steal it,” Ahsoka said crossing her arms a little concerned.

 

“No. I don’t think we need to steal it. It should be right there for the taking,” Ezra smiled for the first time in weeks. “The Gauntlet. The Nightbrother.”

 

“Maul’s ship?” she breathed in disbelief. “You know where it is?”

 

“Yeah… I got it after he-…” he cleared his throat. He didn’t know if Obi Wan was alive here, but he better not lead anyone back. He had the feeling that even here he wouldn’t want to get found out. “When I acquired it, we checked the nav records. The ship had been left on an abandoned base all the while Maul had been stuck in Malachor.”

 

“He was in Malachor too?”

 

“Yeah… he was the main reason everything went wrong-... but never mind that,” he shook his head. The least he wanted to do was set a foot on Malachor ever again. “The Inquisitors were hunting him there. If we are lucky, they dealt with him already or… at the very least he’s still stuck there. We should definitely check if the ship is still at that base and just make sure he never gets it back,” he said with a smirk.  

 

“I can get behind that,” Ahsoka smiled back.

  
  


* * *

 

Luck smiled them too.

 

The base was almost completely abandoned, sans a few old security droids. The Gauntlet was not in the best conditions, but Ahsoka was sure they could fix it up in a few days. When that was done, they were ready for their plan. The stealth capabilities of the ship allowed them to slip past the blockade easily and landed away from the city. Ahsoka programmed the ship to come for them at the touch of a button of her comm. Whether they succeeded on bringing Kanan back or not, they would need to run to escape.

 

“Hide your presence as best as you can,” Ahsoka reminded Ezra, but he had already started to minimize his ripple in the Force. They approached the base and were a little surprised they found Kanan really fast. He was walking around in the open around the perimeter.

 

“It’s a trap,” Ahsoka whispered. “Somehow they hoped we would come back.”

 

“It doesn’t matter. He won’t expect what’s coming,” Ezra pressed. He couldn’t turn back now. 

 

“Alright, we will follow the plan,” Ahsoka said. “They will likely have more troopers on the lookout, so I’ll cover you,” she said and left to the opposite side of the courtyard to create a distraction. Ezra waited anxiously. His hands were sweating, shaking. His heart was beating so fast and he could hear it on his ears. He could barely-

 

Ezra heard the blasters shots some distance away. Ahsoka was up. He peeked behind the crates he was using and immediately saw Kanan igniting his red lightsaber and turning to where the sound was heard. 

 

This was it.

 

Ezra came out of hiding and called to him. 

 

“KANAN!” 

 

The man glared back and narrowed his eyes. Ezra’s whole body tensed and he felt sick. He had in fact improved so much with the force that now he could easily sense the self-hate and the pain on him. Kanan was destroying himself. He held back a sob in his throat.

 

“You won’t get away from me this time. I’ll have your head,” the Tenth Brother said with gritted teeth. He half expected the young Jedi to bring up his lightsaber but just like last time, he just stared at him with that helpless expression that bothered him so much. Then, he simply closed his eyes and relaxed while a few tears rolled down. The Inquisitor rushed. “Fine. I’ll just kill-”  

 

_ Hera looks back with concern. “Kanan?”  _

 

“What-?” the Tenth Brother froze in complete bewilderment at the image in his mind.

 

_ “Kanan, please,” Hera stops Kanan in the corridor of the Ghost and looks at him intently. She’s worried about something. _

 

His lips trembled. An illusion. IT HAD TO BE AN ILLUSION. He was messing with his head! He attempted to pull up his mental walls, to cut the mental link, but the Jedi had already been expecting that and countered it with more images. 

 

_ Hera, Sabine, Zeb and even Chopper gather around for a meal in the Ghost with Kanan. They laugh and smile. Hera leans on Kanan’s side. He casually places his arm around her shoulders pulling her closer. _

 

“NO!” the Tenth Brother screamed bringing up his hands to his head trying not to feel, not to feel THIS. 

 

_ Sabine, older, a woman on her own right, hugging him deciding to stay in Mandalore to help her family. She wouldn’t had come this far without him. _

 

_ Zeb and him having a laugh, watching each other’s backs during a fight. _

 

Lies. ALL LIES. They had to be illusions! No. This wasn’t real. NONE OF IT!

 

“Oh no,” Ahsoka’s voice could be heard in the distance. “Ezra! EZRA! WATCH OUT!”

 

Ezra slipped out just enough of his trance to be more aware of his surroundings and gasped as he saw a red lighstaber swirling towards his face. He leaned back just in time… and just like before, it singed his left cheek. A flare of the memory flashed through his mind, unleashing a flood of images that he was still showing to Kanan. 

 

_ “NO!” Kanan reached for him as he fell being struck by the Inquisitor on the catwalk. _

 

_ “I want to be the Jedi you see in me.” _

 

_ “You’re always there when I need you the most.” _

 

_ “It’s over now,” he holds him.  _

 

_ “I’ve got you. Go ahead. Let go.” _

 

_ “KANAN!”  _

 

_ “I’ll always come back.” _

 

_ He hugged him in the darkness of the cave. _

 

It all happened in the blink of an eye. Both of them fell back stunned by the sudden emotional overload and mental strain. At Kanan’s side, two dark figures approached. The other Inquisitors had been in the base too.

 

“Tsk… get up,” the Seventh Sister scoffed at the Tenth Brother who was still holding his head in pain trying to clear his mind from the images. He grunted and got up, rage in his eyes and the lightsaber on his hand.

 

“We gotta go. Ezra,” Ahsoka was already over Ezra in a defensive position as he started to get up. “You promised,” Ahsoka reminded him. 

 

Ezra’s heart was breaking. “Yes,” he barely managed to say and it felt like a stab on his chest. He was too weak to fight, he knew they would try to kill them. Ahsoka called the ship with the comm just as the three Inquisitors attacked her. He held her ground and kept them off Ezra until the ship appeared. 

 

“Now!” she shouted and Ezra, who had finally regained a little more of his strength, pushed them back long enough to jump into the open ramp of the gauntlet. 

 

The Tenth Brother noticed how the Jedi looked back one last time at him. Some kind of hope in his eyes.

 

_ “I know what it's like to lose someone close and not have anyone.”  _

 

His own words. His voice. But he had never said that. This time he managed to shut down the mental link. He saw the tears on the Jedi’s blue eyes as he looked away in pain and disappeared into the ship.

  
  
  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “These nightmares wrap their evil hands around my soul at night, they try to pull me deep within a world that's ruled by fright. These dark thoughts may follow me but they'll never win the fight. I'll escape the looming shadows with the help of dawn's first light.” - Christy Ann Martine

 

He had the dream again.

He was being surrounded by tendrils of darkness that grabbed at him, keeping him in place. They dragged him down... submerging him into the cold abyss below. There was no escape. He had stopped fighting a long time ago. The darkness extinguished his light. Consumed him. Smothered him. He just let the dream run its course. Resisting only created more pain and despair.

 

But things had recently started to change. It had begun after the first time he felt the presence of the other force user in Lothal. It had reached for him. That night, when he had the dream, there was a strange echo in the distance... almost a whisper. He had dismissed it.

 

Then, after their confrontation for the Ghost, the whisper had a face. The young Jedi. There he was, in the distance, on his knees, wailing his name. His old name. The second name he had given up.  He knew he needed to kill the young Jedi... and yet he couldn't help but wonder why was he so upset for him, a complete stranger. He had never seen him before. Who was he? Why was he here? In the end, he dismissed the thoughts again. In truth it didn't matter... it wouldn't change the course of the dream, nothing could. He was submerged in darkness and he was lost. 

 

But now...

 

After that mental intrusion, he was apprehensive. Whatever illusion and falsehood he had tried to implant within his mind had threw him back into a state of inner turmoil. It had seemed so real. They had felt so real. Those experiences-... but he knew they were lies. All of them. He had never lived that. And yet… the feelings and memories of the past life he had carefully buried away were prompted back to life. 

 

But the darkness would drown those feelings. He didn't resist it. 

 

"Kanan!"

 

He glared back. The Jedi was still far, but he could hear him much clearly now.

 

"Kanan listen to me! You need to fight"

 

He didn't answer. It was so annoying. 

 

"What would Hera say??"

 

Rage flared on his chest.

 

"Don't you dare say her name!"

 

"Kanan, please! She wouldn't want this! None of them!"

 

"YOU-!!" the darkness started to strangle him, disapproving of his bout of emotion, reminding him there was no escape. He surrendered back.

 

"Kanan!" the Jedi called in desperation. "NO! NO! You are not like this!" he ran towards him.

 

What did he know? He didn’t know what he had done. He had abandoned Billaba. He had abandoned the Order. He had failed Hera. He was a coward. A failure. Pathetic. Weak. He was never meant to have them. That was clear. Suffering, self hate, that's all there was left for him.

 

He suddenly felt an embracing warmth crept through him.

 

Startled, he glanced back again. From far away, the Jedi was trying to wade through the sluggish darkness, his hand outstretched sending him that sensation through the Force. It dispelled the coldness on his chest.

 

"Kanan," the dark tendrils started to grab at him too. "You are not alone."

 

He looked at him baffled. What was he on to?

 

"I'll save you. I'll get you out of here. I swear!"

 

The darkness started to submerge him too, but he seemed oblivious to it.

 

"You are getting dragged down," he simply warned.

 

"Kanan!" At no point the Jedi had stopped providing him with the warmth of the Force. A reminder of care, acceptance, affection. He was closer now. The tendrils reached for his throat.

 

"Are you... insane? If you do that you won't be able to fight it off," why was he sacrificing himself for him? A stranger?

 

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you! I'M SORRY!" he pleaded for his forgiveness and offered a sad smile. "But I'm here now, Kanan."

 

"Why do you care!?" he bit out loud defensively.

 

"I won't give up...! I won't give you up!" he pushed forward.

 

"Stop," it was going to be too late for him. He had nothing to do with him! He didn't need to go through this! He needed to... he needed to stop trying to save him and save himself! He needed all his strength for that. "I SAID STOP!"

 

By sheer will alone, the Jedi kept walking with tears in his eyes. He would soon be consumed by desperation too. Why? What was his name again? Flashes went through his mind... the illusions. The fight with the ex-Jedi Ahsoka. His name... his name!

 

"EZRA! STOP!" he roared with everything he had.

 

Ezra froze in place, seemingly too shocked after hearing his name. Ezra eyes widened and then he gave him the most warm of smiles, stunning him in turn.

 

"Kanan," he whispered softly with tears of happiness on his eyes. He was so close now. He could almost reach him. Touch him.

 

It made him want to-...

  
  


He woke up. 

  
  


* * *

 

Ezra awoke on his bed, tears filled his eyes. Had it been just a dream? Had he actually managed to contact him? His hand felt empty, almost hurting from the idea of reaching for Kanan. It had been just two days since their fight but these emotions still felt so raw, clawing at his chest. He had promised Ahsoka he would let go, that he would stop trying to save Kanan, and he was trying… 

 

There was a knock on the door of his cabin. They were still on the Nightbrother.

 

“Come in,” Ezra sighed and sat on the bed quickly drying his tears. The door opened and Ahsoka offered him a small smile from where she was standing.

 

“Hey, just checking how were you holding up,” she asked softly. She had given him space from the moment they fled and he had been by himself on his room and hadn’t come out since then. Ezra gave a tired shrug. 

 

“Can’t say I feel fine,” he said looking down. He felt physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. He felt lost.

 

“I know this is hard,” she also looked to the floor. “You haven’t eaten anything since before we left. Will you come eat something with me?”

 

Ezra thought for a second and finally nodded, taking a deep breath before standing up and following Ahsoka outside. They ate in silence, Ezra barely having any appetite but forced himself to finish the nutrition bar. 

 

“Ezra,” Ahsoka finally spoke up. “We will be staying low for a while. Then we will come back to Garel and resume helping the Rebellion.”

 

Ezra simply nodded. 

 

Next thing he knew, they were coming back to get the Ghost from a small asteroid field where they had left it hidden. The Nightbrother would have turned quite a few heads around if they went to other planets on it. They arrived to a backwater colony in the edge of the Outer Rim that the Empire didn’t even cared for yet and waited.

 

* * *

  
  


Kanan walked through the empty corridors of the Imperial base in Lothal, but noticed the presence behind him. He growled in low voice and looked back.

 

“What?”

 

“How’s your pretty head?” the Seventh Sister came out of the shadows from around the corner.

 

“None of your business.”

 

“Oh, but it is… aren’t we all in this mission together?” she said slowly approaching, like a predator ready to strike with a smirk on her face.

 

“I’m fine,” he said. He knew she was plotting something. He needed to keep his guard up.

 

“Tsk, tsk, you are like an open book, Tenth Brother,” she chuckled. “So easy to read. You are having restless nights.”

 

Kanan didn’t answer. He just stared at her with hate. That pleased her.

 

“Mmmh… I could make things so much easier for you,  _ you know _ ,” she was now in front of him a knowing smile on her lips. Kanan sneered.

 

“Not interested,” he said stepping away from her.

 

“What a pity,” she sighed a little too dramatically. “I guess I’m not green enough for you.” 

 

Red lightsabers flared to life. Hers met his, red light cackling between them. The Seventh Sister grinned widely. “Oh, did I hit a nerve?”

 

He was going to kill her. He was going drive this damn lightsaber through her heart even if-

 

“ENOUGH,” the voice of the Grand Inquisitor ordered from behind. They both immediately broke away and turned off their lightsabers. Kanan was seething with rage. How did she know? How could she possibly know about his past with Hera? Had the Grand Inquisitor told the others about them? Or was she right and they could read him so easily? He was having trouble staying calm, fists clenched at his sides. The Grand Inquisitor only gave the Seventh Sister a slight disapproving glance but turned to him instead. “Tenth Brother, come with me.”

 

“Yes, My Lord,” he followed him at a private office.

 

“I have read the reports. Theirs and yours,” the Inquisitor said with a neutral tone, but there was a hint of interest in there. “They said you were subject to a mental attack, and you say they used illusions to confuse you. But what is clear now, what I feel from you… this turmoil, this is not an illusion. I sense conflict,” his voice was icy cold. Kanan tensed. He couldn’t deny that the images on his head reminded him of his old life. There was no room for such sentiments as an Inquisitor. “The only reason you are not dead at my feet yet is because you choose right. You fought the Apprentice and the Jedi instead of giving in to their pathetic lies.”

 

Kanan relaxed just a bit, but the Inquisitor continued.

 

“We must destroy the Apprentice and capture the young man to learn how he was doing these false memories. This is a very useful skill we could use. BUT... you are clearly no match for them. The others will handle them.”

 

“My Lord! I can-”

 

“Do not make me regret my choice of not ending you were you stand, Tenth Brother,” he warned showing his pointy teeth and waved him away. “Dismissed.”

 

Kanan left, making his way out of the base, his mind was racing. He needed to do something. He needed to find them first. Otherwise he would likely never be able to access that information. He was too low on the pecking order of the Inquisitors. He needed to know how the Jedi had done that, how could he do something so real without meeting the rest of the crew... 

 

He had to focus on finding them. Suddenly, Kanan felt someone in front of him in the corridor stopping cold. He looked up and saw Agent Kallus who had frozen on his place realizing he was coming his way. Anger filled Kanan’s chest, but then… he got an idea. Kanan walked towards him and turned on the lightsaber. Surprise and fear filled Kallus’s face and his hand went for his blaster but Kanan pulled it away with the Force. 

 

“No, you won’t,” Kanan said and pushed Kallus to the wall. 

 

This is it, Kallus thought, this is how it finally ends. Kallus closed his eyes waiting for the red blade to strike, but felt the heat of the laser close to his face instead.

 

“The ship was supposed to be destroyed. Scrapped. Why was it here?”

 

Kallus opened his eyes surprised, for a moment, too shocked to answer the question.

 

“Answer me, you know damn well what I’m talking about,” Kanan demanded and Kallus finally spoke.

 

“I don’t know,” Kallus said and Kanan growled in frustration, pushing the lightsaber closer. “Wait! Wati! The orders I gave to destroy it were clear, I even got the report confirming it was done. If it is still here… someone must have forged the reports down the line and kept the ship instead. If it was being used as a cargo ship for the Empire… maybe someone posing as a third party contractor would use it to boost their numbers.”

 

“Then, you better start working fast figuring out who it was, Mister ISB Agent, because I need a list of every port that ship landed on before it was stolen,” Kanan said coldly. “And if you mention this the Grand Inquisitor, or any of the others…”

 

“I know…” Kallus said looking down.  

 

* * *

  
  
  


Ezra and Ahsoka returned to Garel about a week later. Sato was relieved to see them because there was much work to do. Even then, Ahsoka convinced Sato to give Ezra milk-run missions for the moment. He was trying his best, but it was clear his mind and heart were still affected by the incident. Ahsoka let him keep the Ghost to make the deliveries while she took the Nightbrother for her own mission. 

 

By now, Ezra had cleared out most of the Ghost, leaving it austere, just like Kanan’s quarters once where. He knew he could never recover their missing things but he prefered to see the ship empty looking than with other people’s stuff. Perhaps he could, in time, make it actually his own, but he would start from zero. He loaded the cargo area with the supplies Sato had given him and took off. It was weird to be the one piloting the ship all alone. The trips was as boring as he could imagine without the crew at his side... without Kanan. He still felt his hands craving to reach him, hold him like he had done once in that cave and tell him everything would be alright… but he couldn’t. He couldn’t. A wave of sadness overwhelmed him. 

 

“Shit,” he whispered and tried to breathe. In and out. Calm yourself. Find your center. By the time he had done it, the ship came out of hyperspace and arrived to the planet where he was supposed to deliver the supplies. He straightened and prepared himself to land on the local space port, grabbing a coat because it was a little chilly outside. He pushed the cargo on a cart out of the Ghost and towards the address Sato had told him. Luckily for him, this was a merchant town so no one paid much attention to him walking around for a while, trying to find the right warehouse. An old woman finally waved at him, told him the password and received the supplies from him. That was easy enough, Ezra gave a tired chuckle and started making his way back but the streets were a mess and he must have turned the wrong way on a different street because he didn’t recognize the stores. 

 

“Karabast,” he muttered under his breath. The last thing he needed was getting lost on another planet as nightfall approached. He tried to determine which way was which but then… a small sad smile crept on his face. He raised a finger and started…

 

“Loth-rat, loth-cat, loth-wolf run, pick a path and all is done,” he finished the rhyme and sighed, staring at the street he picked. “Alright,” he made his way over there but then realized the rotation on his planet were very short because in less than a few minutes it was starting to get dark. Ezra picked up the pace. He needed to hurry, he thought, but then, he felt a hand janking him out of the main street into a dark alley. His hand automatically moved to his lightsaber but he felt a hand grabbing his wrist, and something pressing at his throat. He looked up and saw Kanan’s face.

 

“Move and you die,” he whispered pressing the end of his lightsaber turned off under Ezra’s jaw, sending a chill down his spine.

 

“Kanan,” Ezra breathed, his eyes wide in disbelief. He was here. He was really here. 

 

“Who the hell are you?” he gritted his teeth in anger.

 

“I’m… Ezra. Ezra Bridger,” he could barely speak. He was trembling but not because he was afraid he would kill him, but afraid that he wouldn’t say the right things to help him. 

 

“How do you…” Ezra could see the turmoil behind Kanan's eyes, the confusion, the frustration. “Did Ahsoka teach you how to make those illusions? That’s not a Jedi ability that we know of.”

 

“They are not illusions,” Ezra swallowed with some trouble, feeling the lightsaber still on his throat.

 

“The others are dead. These images are not real, they can’t be,” Kanan countered frowning.

 

“They are real for me. I didn’t make them up. Those are my memories. Of our time together. Of the Ghost. Of us,” Ezra closed his eyes trying to calm himself. His heart was beating so fast.

 

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Kanan scowled, he was losing his patience.

 

“I just know that I had a life with you. With them. We met one day when you were stealing some food and weapon crates in Lothal. Then I helped you free the wookies… and I joined the crew,” Ezra said, his eyes pleading for him to believe him and saw that Kanan realized that was the day everything had gone wrong. Ezra’s voice started to break. “I can’t explain what happened. I swear… I just… I woke up one day and you were gone. Everyone was gone. I was back in Lothal, like the rest of my life with you and the Ghost never happened.”

 

“Do you think I’ll be so naive to believe something like that?”

 

“I knew about the holocron, didn’t I? And your lightsaber,” Ezra pointed out desperately and made Kanan second guess. He knew as a matter of fact that no one should have known about it. Ezra could see and feel a growing question behind his eyes. Ezra knew he couldn’t stop now. “Everything I know is because of you. I lived it, Kanan. I swear to you. Everything you saw, all I showed you, was real. They were alive. We were all together,” he smiled but he hadn’t noticed when his tears started to roll down his cheeks. “I don’t know how to make things as they were.  That’s why… I couldn’t turn my back on you when I found you. I wanted to help you. To reach you. You don’t have to be this,” Ezra looked down to the black suit.

 

“And what else would I be?” Kanan scoffed.

 

“ _A Jedi Knight,_ ” Ezra whispered with fondness, a smile on his lips. Kanan’s heart skipped a beat and was shook by the statement.

 

“I never was,” Kanan denied it, mostly to himself. The thought was ridiculous. How could he ever be… how could he ever compare to Billaba and the other Masters after all his failures. But in the images Ezra had showed him, he saw himself reaching understanding, wisdom and ability. No… No. It must be a trick.

 

“But you became. You still can,” Ezra reassured him in earnest. His body was practically trembling with emotion, with hope and affection. “You don’t have to do this alone. Kanan… you don’t-”

 

“I don’t need you,” Kana bitted out, pushing him back to the wall, as Ezra had unconsciously started to lean forward to him. Ezra felt the words like a dagger in his heart. It hurted him so much but he still forced a smile through his tears.

 

“That’s… ok,” he nodded. “I understand you don’t need me... but you don’t need them either.” That was the goal here, Ezra reminded himself. He needed to take Kanan out of there, out of their hands. He was destroying himself there. “Hera, she wouldn’t have wanted you to suffer like this. Or Sabine or Zeb, not even Chopper. Please…”

 

“You don’t know what you-” Kanan’s rage increased by the mention of his lost family, but then Ezra noticed with shock something flying towards them.

 

“DOWN!” he warned pulling Kanan down with him. It all happened in the blink of an eye.

 

Kanan had told him he would kill him if he moved. Kanan should have ignited the lightsaber as he promised. He should have killed him… but he couldn’t. Ezra knew it would have meant his death but did it anyway. To save him. The fact stirred an old overwhelming emotion in Kanan. Of being cared for… of being-...

 

The red lightsaber hit the wall with sparks, right where their heads would have been.

 

“You missed, again,” the Seventh Sister glared at the Eight Brother.

 

“Tch,” he sneered and called back his lightsaber.

 

Ezra immediately took out his lightsaber and stood on a defensive pose. Kanan had instinctively rolled to the side away from Ezra, away from this feeling.

 

“Hmm… he’s pretty. And look, such passion,” the Seventh Sister said with clear delight. “The Darkside could be very strong in you if you let it.”

 

Ezra scoffed.

 

“What are you doing here?” Kanan demanded.

 

“We ask the same to you, Tenth Brother,” the Eight Brother said with a mocking laugh.

 

“It seems like someone disobeyed the Grand Inquisitor. He said we would handle this…” the Seventh Sister pointed at Ezra.

 

“I’m bringing him back myself,” Kanan growled through gritted teeth. Ezra’s lips made a fine line. He might be able to handle two Inquisitors and flee, but if Kanan turned him in… his hands gripped his lightsaber.

 

The Seventh Sister smirked. “Oh, but you won’t.”

 

“Allowing you into our ranks was clearly a mistake,” the Eight Brother said to Kanan but started approaching Ezra instead.

 

“The Grand Inquisitor won’t be surprised when he learns you died trying to accomplish this secret mission of yours, just like the failure you are,” she lunged forward to Kanan.

 

Ezra tried to move to help him, but the Eight Brother blocked him off. 

 

“You’ll fight with me,” he said and jumped acrobatically to attack. But Ezra already knew what he was trying to do. He dodged and rolled, blocking his attack from behind, remembering well enough his style, and used all his strength on a Force push when he jumped again, throwing the Eight Brother against a wall. Ezra looked at Kanan who was rapidly losing ground against the Seventh Sister. The two were too far away already. Ezra could tell Kanan’s self-doubt and insecurities were dragging him down and his rage was blinding him. The Seventh Sister, much more attuned to the use of hate with the darkside, found an opening and grinned, slashing in half his red lightsaber and leaving him defenseless.

 

“I’m going to savor this,” she said smiling widely and raised her lightsaber.

 

“NO!” Ezra reached with one hand at his coat, at threw Kanan’s blue lightsaber at him, while with the other hand he sent to her mind the image of Maul getting her head in Malachor. She hesitated completely caught off guard by the mental intrusion. 

 

“What-” she stuttered, giving Kanan just enough time to catch the lightsaber, ignite it and cut her in half with a swift move. The shock in her face was almost the same as Kanan’s realizing what he had just done as the pure blue light illuminated the dark alley. Her body fell with a tud and silence filled the area. He was stunned, still looking at his blue lightsaber, the lightsaber he thought it was forever lost, as Ezra’s words rang on his ears.

 

_ A Jedi Knight _ . 

 

“Kanan…” Ezra said softly behind him, startling him. Kanan turned around pointing the lightsaber at him and stepped back. “Kanan, it’s ok, it’s just me…” Ezra turned off his lightsaber and rose his hands, noticing that Kanan was overwhelmed by the fact that he was holding such an important thing… something that symbolized everything he had left behind. Then, they heard a beep to their side.

 

“You won’t get away with this,” the Eight Brother said slowly standing up, having touched a button on his wrist, likely sending an emergency signal somewhere. Kanan gripped the lightsaber tightly and walked towards him. He had to die. He had to kill him or-... Ezra placed a hand over his chest stopping him from advancing, his face full of concern. Kanan was going to brush his hand away in anger, but Ezra turned to the Inquisitor and threw him with the Force against other wall, knocking him out cold for good this time.

 

“Kanan, let’s go,” Ezra pleaded softly looking up to him. Ezra knew he couldn't let him get closer to the darkside in his state of turmoil… 

 

Kanan knew that if he stayed, he would have to kill the Eight Brother, and even if he brought Ezra to him, there would be many questions he couldn’t answer for the Grand Inquisitor. He would surely get killed. If he went with Ezra instead… he felt a pit in his stomach… he would have to face his past, he would have to come to terms with his failure, open the old wounds, to feel again… and he wasn't sure what was worse at this point. But he found he couldn’t let go of the lightsaber on his hand. “You don’t have to do this alone,” Ezra said gently, reminding him he was there for him, and tried to channel warmth and reassurance with the Force to Kanan, but this finally made Kanan react, brushing his hand off his chest and close off the link to him. It was too overwhelming.

 

“Don't. I’ll go,” Kanan said frowning. “But this doesn’t mean I’m joining the Rebels. Am I clear? I’m just… getting away from them. They’ll hunt me down after this.”

 

Kanan could barely believe the sheer joy and happiness that irradiated off from Ezra. “Ok…!” he nodded beaming. He dried off his tears. “Let’s go… this way,” Ezra said, and he suddenly could tell the path back to the Ghost without problem. The way was clear in his mind. Even if the road was dangerous, at least for now, Ezra didn’t feel lost anymore.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kanan is definitely not out of the darkside yet, but this could be the first step...


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “During the day, memories could be held at bay, but at night, dreams became the devil's own accomplices.”

  


“We gotta hurry,” Ezra said quickly making his way through the dark streets with Kanan close behind. They had left the Eight Brother several blocks behind them.

 

“They’ll be looking for us,” Kanan indicated. Just as they were going to turn around the corner, Ezra heard the unmistakable boots of stormtroopers and stopped just in time. They both took cover while a squadron passed them in a hurry. They heard one of the troopers talking through his comms.

 

“Human male, tall, black suit. Dangerous, extreme precautions and use-...” he was too far away to hear the rest.

 

“I think they are looking for you,” Ezra whispered back. “You kind of stand out like that,” he pointed at his Inquisitor clothes. Kanan knew he could dispatch a number of troopers but not before calling for reinforcements. They needed to keep a low profile until they got to a ship. He growled.

 

“Tsk… give me your coat,” Kanan said starting to take off the top of his suit. Ezra nodded and took of the coat. It was chilly, but he could manage with all the adrenaline in his veins… but then his blood ran cold. Kanan’s chest and back were covered by painful scars. Ezra felt his heart wince and his eyes well up. “The coat,” Kanan repeated frowning.

 

“Here,” Ezra nodded looked away in sadness handing him over the coat. Luckily for them, Ezra had picked a larger than normal coat so it fit Kanan just right. “Ok… this way,” Ezra motioned him to follow and took him through an alternate route back to the space port.

 

“Over there,” Ezra pointed at the landing pad where the Ghost was located, and he noticed how Kanan slowed down and stopped. It was like he could not take another step. His whole body was tense. Ezra could feel a wave of shame and uncertainty from him. “It’s ok Kanan…” Ezra tried to encourage him with the Force but he reacted and closed the link.

 

“Stop that.”

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-...”

 

“Let’s just get out of here. The troopers haven’t come this way yet,” Kanan said with gritted teeth. They moved up the ramp and… Ezra could see how difficult it was for Kanan to even enter the ship. It took every bit of his will to keep moving and once he was in the cargo hold it became too much. A flood of memories. Of voices. Of their smiles. They were gone. All of them. He couldn’t breathe. This was a mistake. He should have never came back. What was he-

 

“Hey,” Ezra stepped in front of him, snapping him out of it. Kanan looked down at his calming yet intense blue eyes. “Breathe,” Ezra reminded him, and this time Kanan didn’t stop the link. For some reason Ezra’s presence was… grounding. He swallowed and looked away indicating he was fine. “I’m going to get us out of here, alright?” Ezra said and rushed to the cockpit.It was just a matter of time before troopers started to come. He quickly took the Ghost to orbit and entered Hyperspace as soon as possible. He sighed in relief. They were safe. They should be safe. He left the cockpit and saw Kanan in the hallway, looking at the doors of the cabins.

 

Ezra cleared his throat. “Most of the old stuff is gone... They even got rid of Sabine’s paints on her room. I’m sorry,” he apologized and Kanan closed his eyes tensing at the mention of Sabine’s art.

 

“The Phantom?”

 

“It was not here when we stole the Ghost. I don’t know, sorry…”

 

“Maybe that’s what they reported being scrapped instead of the Ghost,” Kanan whispered in low voice gritting his teeth. He opened his eyes with new found resolution and went into his old room. He kneeled in front of the bunk and...

 

“Is not there…” Ezra said in soft voice from behind, at the door.

 

“Give it to me,” Kanan demanded turning back to face Ezra.

 

“Kanan…”

 

“It’s mine. Give it back,” he pressed, starting to lose his patience.

 

Ezra sighed and nodded. “Ok, hold on,” he went to his room and came back with the Jedi Holocron in his hand. “Go on. Try it,” he slowly handed it over. Kanan grabbed it, his hand trembling slightly when he touched it. The idea of ever finding it again had been just hopeless until now. He closed his eyes and concentrated.

 

The Holocron would not yield. It refused to open to him. Of course… he was unworthy. Tainted by the darkside. It would never again reveal its knowledge. Why did he even entertained the idea of being a Jedi just now? Just because he killed one of the Inquisitors? Of course another Inquisitor could do just that… it meant nothing. He meant nothing. The Light had forsaken him. There was only pain and hatred for him in darkness. He-  

 

Ha was startled by a hand over his. For a second he was about to pull away but...

 

“Breathe,” whispered Ezra in a calming voice and closed his eyes. Kanan was hesitant but closed his eyes too and tried again.  This time he could feel the warmth on his hands, reassuring, safe… an inner forgotten glow.

 

The corners started to turn, but as soon as Kanan noticed it, he lost his concentration and the Holocron stopped.

 

“Dammit,” Kanan cursed and frowned.

 

“Hey don’t worry. You’ll do it. I know you will,” Ezra said softly encouraging him. Ezra suddenly felt peaceful, a warmth in his chest and across his face. He felt whole.

 

-He still can use the Light, he’s not completely gone. There’s hope...- Ezra could feel his chest bursting with happiness. He cleared his throat trying not to smile too much.

 

“I’ll see if there’s something else you can wear beside the coat,” Ezra said looking down to his clothes. “Oh, and I need to tell Ahsoka you are with me,” he remembered looking back at the cockpit.

 

“No, don’t,” Kanan grabbed Ezra's arm stopping him in place. Noticing he was doing it too tightly, he loosened his grip a little.

 

“Kanan,” Ezra said in low voice. “I need to report back.”

 

“You don’t get it do you?” Kanan shook his head. “Right now we are all targets. But specially her. If we are together it will be easier to find us.”

 

“I have to,” Ezra said worriedly. “She will come looking after me if I don’t report and… you don’t want her to show up angry, do you?”

 

Kanan made a fine line with his lips. He had a point there.

 

“I suppose not…” he rolled his eyes and sighed.

 

Ezra went to look for some other clothes Kanan could use but only found one long sleeved shirt about his size… better than nothing, he guessed. He returned to Kanan on his cabin and handed it over.

 

“That’s all I have for the moment,” Ezra said half apologizing, but Kanan didn’t seem to mind. He took the coat off and… Ezra couldn’t help but stare. All those scars. All that pain. All that suffering. His hands twitched, feeling the sudden urge to reach and help him, protect him. But all that was already done.

 

“You say those were your memories. That you lived them,” Kanan said as he started to change, startling Ezra slightly.

 

“Yes,” Ezra said looking down. A pause.

 

“Everyone was fine?” Kanan asked again.

 

“Yes… but, I don’t remember anything from this life from the moment I was supposed to meet you. The day you stole the crates and then went to liberate the wookies,” all that was still a mystery to Ezra. “That day… did you notice anything weird?”

 

“I don’t want to think about that day,” Kanan said with finality finishing changing and sat on the bunk watching the Holocron in his hand with conflicted yellow eyes.

 

“I understand,” Ezra nodded and after a while of being in silence he retired leaving Kanan alone. It was time to contact Ahsoka.

 

“Oh boy…” he breathed and prepared the encrypted transmission. “Ahsoka?”

 

“Hey, how did it go?”

 

“Well, I delivered the supplies without a hitch but… I found Kanan and brought him with me,” he said quickly, hoping to just get over with it as soon as possible.

 

“You-... WHAT!?”

 

“We were jumped by the other Inquisitors and-...”

 

“Are you hurt?”

 

“No, we managed to escape.”

 

“Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT bring him back to the base.”

 

“I wasn’t going to,” Ezra frowned. “Relax.”

 

“Stay where you are. I’m coming. He tries anything-”

 

“He won’t…” Ezra said feeling a little frustrated.

 

“Ezra, please. Don’t let your guard down.”

 

“Don’t worry, Ahsoka. He’s not with them anymore. He killed an Inquisitor.”

 

“That doesn’t change a lot. Believe me.”

 

“Fine, I’ll stay here,” Ezra sent her the coordinates. “Just… take it easy when you arrive. He’s… he’s been through a lot.”

 

“We all have. I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

 

Ezra sank on the pilot’s chair sighing deeply. Ahsoka’s reaction was to be expected… he just hoped they wouldn’t fight. He returned to check on Kanan and found him on the old common area, looking at the only original thing left, the boot with the dejarik table.

 

Kanan took a deep breath and turned to Ezra. “Let’s say I partially believe this crazy explanation of yours. You say you know me. You knew us.”

 

“Yes. As I said, you taught me everything I know. I was your padawan,” Ezra stated.

 

“You said I was a Jedi Knight,” Kanan massaged his temple, still finding the thought to be unbelievable.

 

“Yes.”

 

“That can’t be right. The Order is gone. Who Knighted me then?” Kanan asked frustrated.

 

“The Force…” Ezra said with a warm fond smile and Kanan’s heart skipped a beat at his words. He stared dumbfounded at Ezra. The Force itself had deemed him worthy to be knighted? That… that just wasn’t him. He had to be wrong… but Ezra seemed so convinced...

 

“What about the others? What about Hera? What had happened to them on… on your life, your version,” Kanan inquired.

 

“They were fine when I was there. Hera was an integral part of the Rebellion, and I’m almost sure it was just a matter of time before she was made a General,” Ezra said and Kanan’s lips twitched trying his best not to show emotion... not to show weakness. “Zeb found he was not the last Lasat; there’s a hidden planet with plenty of survivors. Sabine… we had just returned from Mandalore after helping her recover her father and assisting on creating a resistance with the other Clans to repel the Empire there. Chopper… eh, Chopper is Chopper. Everyone was ok when I went to sleep and then… I woke up here,” Ezra wasn’t sure how many times he had explained by now, how many times he had gone through it on his head, and still made no sense.

 

“I think you might be hallucinating the whole deal, maybe some Force Vision,” Kanan said, dismissing what Ezra had just said.

 

“No-...”

 

“Listen, I also lived all of this,” Kanan pulled down the collar of the shirt to show Ezra again some of the scars. “And it was real. Painfully real. I assume Ahsoka went through her own things too, just as every other person you have met did. Wouldn’t be more logical to think the Force messed with your perception?”

 

“Kanan, no, I-...”

 

“That you never lived any of that, but it showed you a vision of what could have been?”

 

“No,” Ezra said with clear conviction in his eyes. “They were alive. I could feel it.”

 

“But you can’t make it right. You can’t fix this,” Kanan shook his head and now he sounded tired. Tired of fighting, tired of looking for some impossible hope...

 

“I might. I just don’t know how yet,” Ezra said trying to reassure him.

 

“And when would that be?” Kanan crossed his arms.

 

“I need to… open myself to the Force more. The Force will show me the way. I’m sure of it. Nothing is impossible in the Force,” Ezra said in earnest, his eyes were bright with hope. It felt like it had been a lifetime since Kanan had seen that sense of purpose on someone’s eyes.

 

“A Jedi alright…” Kanan sighed with a tired chuckled.

 

“Still a long way…” Ezra shook his head.

 

“You are closer than you think.”

  


A few hours later, Ahsoka showed up in the Nightbrother and docked with the Ghost. The door opened and she was received by Ezra, Kanan standing on the other side, leaned against the wall crossing his arms.

 

“Ezra,” Ahsoka greeted him completely serious, her face unreadable.

 

“Hey!” Ezra awkwardly waved at her and motioned her inside. Her eyes locked on Kanan’s. They both scowled but said nothing.

 

“Why don’t we all sit down…?” Ezra suggested smiling nervously at both of them.

 

“I’m fine,” Kanan shrugged, still scowling.

 

“Me too,” Ahsoka narrowed her eyes and simply stepped further into the ship. “What exactly happened?”

 

Ezra sighed and told her the story of how things went back during his delivery mission. Ahsoka was still suspicious of Kanan, but seeing Ezra so happy she decided to at least give him the benefit of the doubt...

 

“Alright, I assume you ditched anything that could help to track you down,” she said raising an eyebrow.

 

“I did,” Kanan nodded rolling his eyes as it was obvious.

 

“See? Everything will be ok,” Ezra said cheerfully.

 

“I still don’t want him anywhere near the base yet, Ezra,” Ahsoka said crossing her arms unconvinced.

 

“Good, because I don’t want to,” Kanan said straightening.  “I told him, I don’t want any part of your Rebellion.”

 

Ezra swallowed… he remembered Kanan had been open on his reserves about joining the larger Rebellion even in his other life. He would definitely try to avoid it here.

 

“In fact…” Kanan continued. “If you care so much about this Rebellion, YOU will leave it,” motioned to Ahsoka.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ahsoka frowned at him, anger rising in her voice.

 

“As I said, you two have a glowing target on your head for Lord Vader and the Emperor. The longer you stick around your Rebel friends…” Kanan trailed off.

 

“We will attract their attention to the base,” Ezra breathed with worry.

 

“Specially you,” Kanan tilted his head at Ahsoka. “I don’t know what you did to him, but Vader wants you dead.”

 

Ahsoka felt a chill but couldn’t explain it.

 

“In my other life…” Ezra said very concerned. “Somehow the Inquisitors kept finding us. We never knew how they were doing that.”

 

“It’s the Emperor and his dark power,” Kanan explained.

 

“How?” Ahsoka asked with interest.

 

“We are just Inquisitors. We are not allowed access to that knowledge. We just know that he does.”

 

“We ARE just Inquisitors?” she noted his choice of words and Kanan grunted.

 

“Listen, you being here with us is already a big risk.”

 

“How many are there? Inquisitors?” Ahsoka pressed.

 

“Active? Seven,” Kanan shrugged. “Plus the Grand Inquisitor. Plus Darth Vader. Plus the Emperor. Plus a whole new generation of youngsters just waiting to take our place.”

 

Ezra’s eyes looked up with worry. “Alora… Pypey…” his heart winced with the memory. He was so tense he didn’t realize he ‘broadcasted’ the image of the memory to them, making them gasp.

 

_Kanan defending them, holding the Inquisitors with Ezra against the odds to keep them from taking the babies. Ahsoka arriving and saving them. Working together. Smiling._

 

“I’m sorry,” Ezra apologized closing off the Force link. “I’m sorry. I just…”

 

“It’s ok Ezra…” Ahsoka said taking a deep breath. The experience had slightly stunned her. It was still weird to see herself working closely with them… but it felt right. Even Kanan, while somewhat shaken by the vision, was conflicted. He had seen himself fighting for those kids and fully trusting Ahsoka.  

 

“Back then we had to leave for a while for the sake for the Rebellion, to protect them,” Ezra said with sadness. “We tried to find power to destroy the Inquisitors, but that just made things worse.”

 

“What are you saying?” Ahsoka raised an eyebrow.

 

“Kanan is right. If we stay, we put them at risk. This Rebellion isn’t even half of what it was back there… if they find them now…” Ezra bit his lip and looked down. “I’m sorry Ahsoka. This is my fault.”

 

“No. I knew the risks of facing the Inquisitors,” Ahsoka sighed.

 

“If you want to keep your base safe, then I’d say you need to move it from Garel as soon as possible,” Kanan rolled his eyes. Ahsoka and Ezra looked up at him surprised. “And no, he didn’t tell me the base was there. I found out on my own. I intimidated Agent Kallus to investigate what spaceports had the Ghost visited before you tried to steal it. I assumed you must have seen the ship in one of them… that’s how I tracked you down.”

 

“Then it’s just a matter of time before someone gets the same idea or Agent Kallus talks. We need to evacuate. But where?” Ahsoka frowned and bit her lip.

 

“I can give you a list of bases you can use…” Ezra said thinking on their options. “Dantooine, Yavin, Atollon…”  

 

-Bendu,- Ezra thought. -Maybe I should take Kanan to Bendu to find balance... But thinking it better, with his current attitude… no, that might not be the best idea. Bendu also didn’t want war on his planet either…-

 

“No, wait, forget about Atollon,” Ezra hurried to say shaking his head. “Also, without a consolidated Rebel force I don’t think you can get anywhere else... You really need Mon Mothma.”

 

“I’ll see what I can do,” Ahsoka nodded.

 

“So... this actually means we are lying low?” Kanan finally seemed to agree with this.

 

“For the moment,” Ahsoka clarified. “But we should still stay in touch. Meet each other in a couple of weeks?” she said but while she hoped Kanan would go his own way, Ezra wanted to stay with him, that was clear as day. He had already gone to stand by his side, an aura of happiness and confidence practically radiating from him.

 

“That sounds good,” Ezra said nodding.

 

“Anything happens you know how to contact me,” Ahsoka said coming close to Ezra and giving him a hug.

 

“We will be fine,” Ezra nodded beaming at her.

 

Ahsoka smiled at Ezra. “Alright, be safe,” Ahsoka said and left to the docking tunnel. She gave Kanan a last quick glance... a silent warning. A threat. _Hurt him and I’ll personally hunt you down._ Kanan tensed but said nothing else.

 

Kanan wasn’t sure of sticking with Ezra would be the best choice for his survival. Ezra obviously wanted to help him and make sure he was safe but… there was more to it. Something Kanan wasn’t sure yet and part of him told him he just couldn’t handle it.

 

Kanan sighed once Ahsoka’s ship disengaged feeling more relaxed now that the ex-Jedi was gone. An alliance. That’s all what this was going to be. It wasn’t like he would allow things to get further than that. He wasn’t 'that man'. Kanan turned to Ezra to say something but found Ezra already giving him a smile full of fondness and warmth, blue eyes filled with joy. The words never formed on Kanan’s lips, instead making him swallow and look away… He headed back at the cockpit.

 

An alliance. That’s all this was going to be.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares.”

  
  
  


After Ahsoka left, Kanan and Ezra went to the cockpit of the Ghost. Ezra waited a moment to see if Kanan wanted to take the pilot’s seat but he took his old seat. 

Ezra sighed and moved to take the controls of the ship.

“Alright, we need to lay low…” Ezra said softly pondering their options. “Where do you want to go?

“Wherever,” Kanan shrugged but then shook his head. “Wait, no... I would say Wild Space. But we need to find another ship. Even there could be a notice for the Ghost on most civilized space ports.”

Ezra nodded in silence then smiled. “What about the Escape?”

Kanan did a double take at Ezra in disbelief. “He told you about the Escape?”

“You took me to find it,” Ezra chuckled.

“Of course he did,” Kanan rolled his eyes and massaged his temple. “That... might work. We can travel linked and use the Escape for landing.”

-Besides,- Kanan thought -I could leave. Take the Escape and just leave... but not yet. No. Not yet.- He looked at Ezra briefly, who looked quiet content with their plan.

They quickly headed to Moraga to look for the ship, and as they approached, Kanan noticed Ezra became tense.

“What’s wrong?”

Ezra looked at him worriedly. “I guess… You’ll see...” he said with sadness.

They made their way to Morfizo’s house, the Moragaan who had been hiding the ship for him before. There, Kanan quickly learned one of his oldest friends had been arrest by the Empire and executed.

“We had sent word for help,” the widow looked down in sadness as she led them. It had been years, she had to move on for the sake of her children.   

“I'm sorry. We never got the message. Kanan was also taken prisoner,” Ezra explained because Kanan had become dead silent. Someone else had died because of his inability to help them. Someone who counted on him…

“I’m so glad you made it out, Kanan,” Morfizia smiled and took his hand in sympathy. Kanan tensed and looked away. “I know surviving is difficult,”  she nodded and moved towards the hidden garage where the ship was.

The Escape was mostly intact although a little rusty. That was ok for them. Ezra on the other hand took the time while Kanan checked on the ship to help Morfizia around her house and with her children. He wanted to do something for them, and ease some of their worries.

Kanan scowled. Ezra was too good. Too warm. It would come bite him. How could he be so kind? Didn't he realize the dilemma they were in? The Empire was hunting them, and Kanan knew exactly at what lengths they would go. He shouldn't be caring for others like that. If he wanted to survive he needed to steel his heart.

After securing the ship, Kanan decided to get the tattoos on his face removed. Luckily for him, during his early years in Moraga he knew exactly where to go to get them off without questions asked.

Now that Ezra had a much clearer look at his face, he couldn’t help but stare in amazement.

“You look so much younger,” Ezra said taking in the image.

“What's that supposed to mean?” Kanan scowled.

“I mean, without the beard,” Ezra smiled pointing at his jaw.

Kanan remembered that in the memories Ezra had showed him, the other him had grown a beard. “Ah yes. I think it was the other way around. He looked way too old with that beard,” he scoffed slightly annoyed.

 

* * *

  
  
  


They left soon after for a little planet at the edge of Wild Space, but as they were traveling through hyperspace Kanan decided speak with Ezra.

“You should go your own way,” Kanan said looking straight ahead to the lights of the hyperspace.

“Why?” Ezra raised an eyebrow a little worried.

“I told you. They will be more likely to find us.”

“Kanan, all I know is… that my way and my place is with you,” Ezra said softly with a warm smile. Kanan felt something slightly painful in his chest. “Besides, if they send the other Inquisitors and they find you... they will kill you.”

“I won't have a chance,” Kanan snorted as if it was obvious. “You think I'm that weak?”

“No. I know how strong you are,” Ezra looked at him intently and Kanan felt again that strange feeling filling his chest. “You just need time to get there. I did too. But we don’t have a chance on an uneven fight. When I woke up here I was actually losing my power. It was worse than when I started learning from you. And you were so much better than me. You'll get better, I'm sure of it.”

Kanan looked away. Ezra didn't know what he was talking about.

When they arrived to that system in Wild Space, they left the Ghost hidden on a moon and took the Escape to land as planned. They arrived to an agrarian planet called Ramak posing as refugees from a war torn world. The pay to work in the fields was little but as they were using the Escape as their sleeping quarters, money was not quite an issue for them... at least for now.

* * *

 

A few weeks passed, Ezra realized had been in ‘this life’ for months now. He could barely believe it. While he had slowly accepted his new situation and the absence of his friends pained him, he was just so happy that at least Kanan was alive and with him now.

On the other hand, things were confusing for Kanan. After being surrounded by darkness and pain for the last few years, Ezra was like a beacon of warmth. A small star giving off a welcoming soft light. He had never felt something like that from the other Jedi at the Temple, and obviously not the Sith or the Inquisitors.

Even with his back to Ezra, he could tell when Ezra was looking at him because... he glowed. His Light became stronger. Why? How was that possible? What was this light? This warmth? Kanan couldn't begin to understand it… or didn’t want to accept what it was. The only thing he knew for sure was that his presence was… so accepting. It was so strange to find this kindness so suddenly after suffering for so long. After giving up. After feeling he was worth nothing to anyone. After feeling he didn’t deserve any gentleness or... This had to be a dream. This couldn’t be real. But deep down he knew he wanted it to be.

After their hard work in the fields, Ezra would prompt him to spar away from prying eyes. At first Kanan had reacted several times out of instinct with lethal moves… but slowly, Ezra managed to show him he had really nothing to fear from him during their training. Ezra wanted to help him improve. He didn’t want to hurt him. He was safe.  _ Safe. _

Ezra could feel the change on Kanan, his conflict, his struggle to let his guard down. The worry that the Inquisitors would find them and he wouldn’t be strong enough to face them. It was so similar to what Kanan had gone through on his other life. Ezra wanted nothing more to help him. To find a way to heal his soul and mind through the Force. He just hoped that his current support would be enough. He wished he could… Ezra wasn’t sure of what. He wished something… something regarding Kanan. But all he could understand right now for sure was that being close and helping him would have to be enough.

* * *

 

Sometime later, Kanan finally gathered the courage to ask something else when they were going to sit to meditate.

“Can you show me...?” Kanan left the question open. He couldn’t find it in himself to finish it.

“Hera?” Ezra looked at him with a sad smile.

Kanan simply nodded averting his eyes. He didn’t want to appear weak. But he had initially wanted to just… see her again. Even if it was in that other life.

“Of course,” Ezra sat cross legged. Both of them closed their eyes, and, as Ezra concentrated on the right memories, he spoke again softly. “You told me once that we are never alone in the Force. We connect to every living thing in the universe. But for that, you have to be willing to-”

“To let my guard down,” Kanan said with a chuckle. That had been one of Master Billaba’s lessons. He sighed simply accepting it and nodded to Ezra. He had been holding this wall up the entire time… holding to his pain, but now he was tired and Ezra’s light was soothing and welcoming. He couldn’t find it in himself to deny him any longer.

Ezra called out the memories he could show him.

Hera and them infiltrating a factory. Part of their everyday lives on the Ghost. Kanan and Hera weren’t overly affective in public but there were always those little sweet moments where Ezra caught them giving each other a look, a hug, a knowing smile.

Ezra sensed Kanan’s heartache and he wanted nothing more to reach for him, but also suddenly felt him willing to see the others. Ezra slowly ‘moved’ his memories to the rest of the crew. Zeb joking about the mission while he punched a stormtrooper. Sabine finishing one of her many paintings in the walls of her room. Chopper going around the Ghost complaining he had to do everything.

Kanan smiled.

“Everything was better there,” Kanan said with melancholy.

“Well... not everything,” Ezra replied with a hint of sadness and regret, slowly finishing the connection. “You... you lost your eyesight.”

“A small sacrifice if it meant they would still be alive. I would take it in an instant,” Kanan said calmly, confident.

Ezra sighed, his heart hurting for him. Kanan slowly looked up, feeling strangely peaceful. He hadn't experience this serenity since...

“Kanan... your eyes” Ezra gasped in shock.

“What?” Kanan blinked in confusion.

Ezra's own eyes welled up. “Your eyes. They are back to normal. They are not yellow anymore...” he said filled with emotion.

Kanan stared at him in disbelief. He had no way to check them but he felt different. Something had changed within him. A realization.

Ezra couldn't help himself and hugged him, with tears in his eyes. His whole body trembling with happiness. It was overwhelming for Kanan. The waves of affection, of joy, of warmth through the Force. Brightness. Pure light. Ezra hastily stepped back.

“Sorry, I just-” he dried his tears apologizing for the hug. “I'm just so happy for you!” He could barely control his emotions, he was practically trembling, his chest bursting with... something. Something that made him want to hug him again, his hands aching, yearning for the touch, to show him his support, to make him happy in some way, but he knew Kanan wasn't used anymore to these shows of affection. And it took every bit of his will to keep his distance.

Kanan was stunned looking at him.

“Do you want to try the Holocron again?”

Kanan was still processing everything that he had just felt. “No.”

“Ok, no rush…” Ezra smiled drying his tears and there was a small beep on his wrist’s comm. “Oh. I almost forgot, I’m supposed to check in with Ahsoka again. I’ll be right back. Ok?”

“Yeah,” Kanan was still in a daze by everything that had just happened.

 

Ezra went back to the Escape and used the encrypted channel they had set up to talk with Ahsoka. Her holo-image appeared in the console.

“Ezra, how are you doing over there?”

“Ahsoka, you won't believe this. Kanan's eyes are normal again. They are not yellow anymore!” Ezra practically blurted out in excitement.

“Oh. Wow,” Ahsoka blinked in surprise. “That's definitely a good sign. That means he's not holding to the darkside or... Uh... Ezra, are you ok?” she said raising an eyebrow noticing just how happy he was. Up until now she had never seen him with this much joy.

“Yeah! I'm great! Why wouldn't I be ok? This is…” he was getting flushed but he couldn’t understand why.

“You look…”

“I'm just so kriffing excited, hahaha! Sorry…”

“Right,” Ahsoka gave him a sympathetic smile. She could tell there was something else but didn’t want to say anything.

Ezra took a deep breath. “Ok, ok... I'm good now,” He chuckled, still obviously filled with joy. “How's everything on your end?”

“Actually pretty good. I've located the prison where they are holding Mon Mothma. We might be able to break her out,” she said. Things were starting to turn around.

“Oh! I'll help. We'll help rescue her,” Ezra said effusively.

“No. You both were right. We would attract too much attention even if two of us went to break her out… let alone three. Besides, don’t you think is still a little rushed to ask him to assist with this? He really didn’t want to do anything with the Rebellion… and even if he’s not completely in the darkside I don’t think it might be wise to push him on this.”

“Yeah. I just…  I think I got ahead of myself,” Ezra sighed. He wasn't thinking straight. He felt he could take on anything. That they could take on anything.

“Listen, we are still gathering information. We need to plan this minusciusly so everything goes perfect. I’ll tell you what… let’s meet in a week, we will talk then. See if he is up to do it by then.”

“Yeah, maybe he might be willing to help,” Ezra scratched the back of his head nodding.

“I’ll send you the coordinates to a safe place and we will meet there,” Ahsoka nodded. “Take care.”

“You too Ahsoka.”

  
  


* * *

 

During the following days Kanan became more quiet. He was not avoiding Ezra, but he was pensive during their work or their training. He would glance at him sometimes and Ezra would feel... happy. Yeah, happy. That was the only way he could explain it. 

Kanan allowed him to get closer. He didn't keep his distance anymore, and Ezra seemed to thrive with the contact. Ezra would touch his shoulder, a gentle pull on his arm and even cupped his hands when they tried to open the Holocron in meditation.

The Holocron's corners turned several times, but still didn't fully open.

"It's ok... we will get there," Ezra encouraged him, worrying Kanan would feel frustrated because of this result but... He was actually alright. Kanan had come to calmly accept he still needed some work. He knew he was improving because of Ezra. Because he...

Kanan stopped himself from going down that line of thought. No. He must be misreading him. How could anyone...?

-No. Don't even think about it- Kanan admonished himself. It was not like he was deserving or worthy.

 

* * *

 

The day to meet up with Ahsoka finally came up. She sent the secret coordinates and they set out to the meeting spot she had picked. It was an old abandoned outpost on somewhere at the edge of the Outer Rim. They brought both the Ghost and the Escape this time. They arrived a little earlier than expected and decided to kill some time by sparring again in the cargo hold of the Ghost.

Their lightsabers clashed.

Somehow this was different from all the other times they had sparred in the last few days. Even though they were using the training setting, Ezra was not holding back. He pushed Kanan to his limits showing him what he was truly capable of.

The minutes passed and the fight continued. They were panting, exhausted,  but for some reason they didn’t want to stop.

Their lightsabers joined, forming a cross. Through their clashing light, their eyes locked. They stared into each others eyes. Ezra felt lost in them, taking his breath away. A powerful emotion was growing in his chest. Ezra could swear he could hear his own heart beating loudly, drowning any other sound. It was only them here. Him. _ Kanan. _

Kanan in turn was speechless, his lips slightly parted, completely taken away by the sky that were Ezra's eyes. Eyes full of yearning, of affection… of adoration… of…

A sudden terrible realization hit Kanan. Strength left him. His hold on the lightsaber wavered, turning it off, accidentally leaving him with no defense. Ezra gave a small gasp and turned off his lightsaber just in time before it struck Kanan's face, and he stumbled forward into Kanan’s arms by the sudden loss of support.

“Whoa! That was close! We better be more careful. I don't want to be the one leaving you blind!” Ezra said partially joking. Ezra couldn’t help but enjoy the closeness. It reminded him of that time in the cave in Atollon. Warmth filled his cheeks at the happy memory. He looked up smiling at Kanan.

Kanan was looking down at him, conflict in his eyes.  _ Pain _ . Ezra became very still. His smile frozen. Ezra's hands unconsciously tightened his grip on Kanan's shirt.

“Kanan? What is it?”  

Kanan’s expression hardened in silence.

“Kanan?” He repeated more softly almost as a whisper, his voice slightly trembling with a worried anxious smile. Something was wrong. Ezra could feel it in his chest.

Kanan gently placed his hands on Ezra's shoulders and slowly pushed him away at arm's length. Ezra stared at him confused.

“I'm not him,” Kanan looked away with a pained frown.

“I know-...”

“I'm not the man you loved.”

Ezra was momentarily stunned trying to process what he had just said. A rising panic grew in his throat. He shook his head.

“W-what are you talking about? N-no! I didn’t-...! It wasn’t like that-!” he stuttered laughing nervously, his face turning completely red. “We were just-,” he took a step forward trying to explain and Kanan gave a step back. It hurt him. Somehow, that action made Ezra’s heart hurt. The distance between became painful. Ezra froze in place in shock. What… what was happening?

“You admired him. Being with him made you want to be better... to do the right thing. He would lift your soul. He was your light in the darkness, a beacon that showed you the way when you would feel lost,” Kanan explained softly, a tint of sadness on his voice and with each word Ezra’s eyes became larger in realization of his own feelings. Ezra’s lips trembled. “I know you loved him because... that's the way Hera made me feel.”

Kanan saw the helpless look on Ezra's face. His mind was blank facing the truth...

“I'm not him. I'm not the man you loved,” Kanan said and Ezra felt something crumbling inside him, tears ran down his face but he stood there in shocked silence.

“I'm not him…” Kanan repeated, more to himself than for Ezra. “This was a mistake…” He whispered looking away and turned to the ramp to leave the Ghost.

Ezra tried to call out to him, to reach for him, but the name died on his lips. He could form no words, no sound. He could not breathe. He could not move.

 

He loved Kanan. 

 

Kanan left him. 

 

Ezra's legs gave out and he fell on his knees. He held himself by the midriff feeling he was breaking. His heart was being ripped apart. And still no sound came from his throat even if his mouth was contorted into a painful scream.

Kanan walked quickly to the Escape looking at the ground. He felt Ezra’s despair and pain behind him, almost making him stop… but he had to get out of here. He had to leave. He couldn’t stay. He wasn’t _ him _ . He would only…

“What did you do?” Ahsoka’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. She had just arrived to meet them and they had not noticed her presence. She was glaring at him, quickly approaching, demanding for an answer. Ezra’s anguish was hitting them like a wave. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?”

Kanan attempted to simply walk past her, but she grabbed his arm forcefully. She wouldn’t let him go without an answer. His lips made a fine a line scowling at her.

“I told him the truth. The sooner he accepts it, the sooner he can let go. The sooner he can move on from chasing shadows,” he declared pulling his arm free and kept walking to the Escape. Ahsoka made no move to stop him and instead rushed to the Ghost.

She found Ezra kneeling over, his head practically touching the ground as his tears ran down and he fought to draw breath, fought to cry out.

“Ezra! Ezra!” Ahsoka crouched at his side worried looking for obvious wounds but… it was not something physical.

They both sensed Kanan’s presence leaving.

Ezra’s body stilled in horror.

“KANAN!” Ezra finally yelled, calling him in desperation, begging. But he was gone. He wailed in pain. Why did it hurt so much?

“Ezra… what happened? Please,” Ahsoka wanted to help him… but didn’t know how.

“I love him!” It was the only thing he managed to cry out in sorrow.

Ahsoka’s eyes went wide realizing the situation and she wrapped her arms around Ezra, trying to give him some support.

“I LOVE HIM!” Ezra buried his face on her shoulder, his whole body shaking because the sobs wouldn’t stop.

  
  
  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  _But life is never what it seems_   
>  _I find the message in my dreams_   
>  _It's like a faded memory whispering secrets just for me_
> 
>  
> 
> _So I cry in the night_  
>  _For something I found in my heart_  
>  _There's a star in the sky guiding me home in the dark_  
>  _If you call out my name, I know I'll see you again_  
>  _I'll remember I am not alone_
> 
> _I'll remember I am not alone_  
> 
> 
> ~ Priscilla Ahn

Ezra wasn’t sure for how long had he been crying, but Ahsoka was with him through all of it. After the sobs finally quiet down and allowed him to finally take deep breaths to calm himself with the Force, Ezra sat against the wall of the cargo area of the Ghost with Ahsoka sitting at his side. His heart was still hurting as if an invisible hand was tightening around his lungs, his heart, his stomach.

 

Ahsoka placed an arm around his shoulders and rubbed his arm. There wasn’t much she could do be there for him.

 

Ezra finally spoke… his voice was hoarse from the crying.“It feels like I lost him all over again. It… it hurts so much…” he held himself, pulling his legs and knees closer.

 

“It’s ok, Ezra… you will be fine,” she encouraged him softly.

 

“What... what I am supposed to do now?” his voice was trembling and tears resurfaced again. “...I love him… what should I do?”

 

“What you think is right...”

 

“But he doesn’t-...” he couldn’t finish the sentence and bit his lip. Kanan had said it. It was a mistake. He didn’t want him… but the thought of being on his own right now seemed like the worst idea. He wasn’t well. This wasn’t a matter of skill or training. It was a matter of his mental and emotional well-being. He turned to Ahsoka. “Can I... Can I go back with you? I mean... no, nevermind-” he shook his head. “We can't go back. They would find us.”

 

“Hey, if you need me, we can go back together. Alright?” Ahsoka rubbed his back and Ezra smiled weakly.

 

“Thank you,” Ezra nodded and straightened a little. “I guess... I guess I'm glad this didn't happen with... the others. In my other life…”

 

“Why?” she asked gently.

 

“I don't think I would have been able to look at Hera in the eyes ever again,” his shoulders dropped. “I would never think of getting in between them. Besides is not like he would... he would ever,” he looked down. “... love me. Not like that. Not here, not there.”

 

“Ezra…”

 

“As long as he would be happy,” Ezra smiled, drying his tears but he was using all his will to hold back another sob. After he calmed a little, he nodded. “Now here… at least he’s not an Inquisitor anymore. He’s safe. He will be safe. That’s all that matters.”

 

Ahsoka could tell Ezra would have wanted to go after him but if Kanan didn’t want anything to do with him… Ezra wouldn’t force it. He would respect his decision. Love always complicated things like this, Ahsoka sighed. She would have to take off his mind from all this, but she wondered if such a thing was possible. Whether this Kanan was his old Master or not, she couldn’t deny there had been a strong deep bond in the Force between them… and breaking such bonds wasn’t always easy… or painless. Non-attachment. At least that’s what Ezra was trying.

 

“C'mon. It's time to go,” Ahsoka helped him up and guided him into the cockpit.

 

* * *

  
  


Weeks passed and Ezra had been assisting Ahsoka on her Fulcrum responsibilities with the Rebellion. They kept moving with the Nightbrother and the Ghost, staying not for long on the same spot while planning Mon Mothma’s rescue. During the day, Ezra was quiet but focused on their missions, managing his loss of Kanan fairly well, but at night... on his room... Ahsoka could feel his sadness, his loneliness.

 

That night repeated the same pattern. Ezra unconsciously reached for him on his dream as he had done before. He found himself walking across the empty grasslands of Lothal… there were no stars, no moons shining in the sky. Everything was dark and cold. He kept searching. Ezra finally found something different. A wall. Ezra could not see the end of this wall from either side. He was completely cut off from the other side. From Kanan.

 

Ezra ran his hands over the cold stone, gently pushing against, trying to reach him, but it was no use. He placed his forehead against the stone and cried.

 

* * *

  


Kanan had closed off to the Force like he had done many years ago until Gorse. He had found his way to a backwater planet full of unsavory people in the edge of the Outer Rim. Here, the Empire had a loose presence and no one wanted to attract the attention of the authorities. The perfect place for pirates, drug dealers, warlords, mercenaries, murderers… him.

 

He stared at the bottom on his empty glass with a distant look. He was here again. Sitting in a shady run-down bar, drinking like there was no tomorrow. He had returned to this low point of his life. But there would be no Hera this time to pull him out of the pit and push him forward. No Ghost. No Specters. No Ezra.

 

His grip on the glass tightened.

 

“Another one,” he called at the female Zabrak attending behind the bar.

 

“You sure pal?” she gave him a stern look. “You still got credits for that?”

 

Kanan growled and placed a pair of credits on the counter.

 

“Sure then! Another one it is…” she said. “ I know your kind, so just a word of advice: don’t go wrecking the place. I just fixed it up,” she warned.

 

“Doesn’t look like it,” Kanan murmured and the woman scoffed but still filled his glass.

 

He quickly finished his drink. He was finally starting to get drunk. While he hadn’t drunk that much while they trained him… or more like tortured him to become an Inquisitor, he had developed a resistance to intoxicating substances. It didn’t mean they didn’t affect his body, but his mind became much more difficult to knock down. He was already running out of money but he didn’t care anymore.

 

“Hello there,” Kanan felt a hand on his shoulder and he jolted, immediately turning to face an attack but… it was a woman, a sultry pantoran that was also startled by his reaction. “Hey, easy, not trying anything you don’t want to...”

 

He took a long look at her but then shook his head and returned his attention to the glass on the counter.

 

“You really look like someone who needs company…” she leaned closer to him, pressing her body on his side. She was warm. Soft. Kanan instinctively flinched away.

 

The woman seemed disappointed. This one was actually handsome, unlike the usual patrons that came by. She even thought she had gotten lucky. “Alright… no hard feelings. I’ll leave you to your drink then.” She pulled away with a sigh.

 

Coldness. He was left with coldness. He didn’t want to feel cold anymore.

 

“Wait,” Kanan called standing up from his seat and turned to her.

 

The pantoran blinked surprised and a little hopeful. “Are you interested then?”

 

He closed off the space between them and pulled her against him, giving her a rough and forceful kiss. She gasped with a smile. She could deal with rough.

 

“Don’t worry. I’ll be good to you,” she whispered and looked around. “Got somewhere else we can hang out?” she asked softly… sensually.

 

Kanan nodded with eyes closed. The Escape. There wasn’t much space but that would do.

 

As soon as they stepped into the ship and the ramp closed they had their hands on each other, kissing. She hurried to open up her shirt, allowing him easy access to her bare shoulders and breasts. He closed his eyes and kissed her neck making her shiver in delight. She hurried to remove his shirt stroking his chest, his arms, his back… lowering her hands to his hips and pressed her body against his without breaking the kiss.

 

Kanan’s hands couldn’t get enough of her. He explored her body, her soft skin, her curves. He carefully raised his hand to her head... looking to caress the lekku that weren’t there.

 

He stepped back in bewilderment. “No.”

 

The woman looked up in confusion. Had she done something wrong?

 

“What is it, love?” she asked. The way she said it echoed in Kanan’s ear like that familiar ‘luv’.

 

_Traitor._

 

His stomach turned. He must have looked bad because she tried to rub his arm but he pulled away. He looked down in a combination of shock, despair and anger… realization.

 

“Out,” he growled.

She frowned, her lips tightly pressed together. “But what about-?” she started to complain but Kanan grabbed the last of his credits and pushed them against her.

 

“OUT,” he ordered through clenched teeth.

 

She hurried to close down her blouse and didn’t even say another word as she left.

 

Kanan was repulsed by himself. He grabbed a bottle by the bunk but it was empty. That’s why he had gone to the bar in the first place. He yelled in frustration and threw the bottle, shattering it on the ramp. He was tired but he didn’t want to sleep. That’s when things got worse.

 

He had nightmares. Of the Inquisitors training him-... no, torturing him to become one of them again. Of Lord Vader killing him and somehow bringing him back to suffer more. Of Hera being killed calling out his name desperately. Of the ghosts of the crew haunting him, blaming him for their demise.

 

This night was a new nightmare. He was again with the pantoran in the ship, but Hera arrived with a shocked and sorrowful expression.

 

“Kanan… You changed me for her?”

 

“Hera, no, NO,” Kanan said desperately. “NEVER.”

 

“How could you?” she said in disbelief… and Kanan saw hatred in her eyes… and that felt worse than any of the torture that the Inquisitors had ever done. She turned away to leave without another word.

 

“No, HERA!” he shouted, begged, trying to go after her but in her place Depa Billaba appeared. He froze. She remained silent for a moment, clearly judging him.

 

“Is this why I died for, Caleb?” Depa said with clear disappointment. “So you could shame the Jedi like this…?”

 

“NO!” Kanan gasped, jolting awake. His heart was racing, his whole body sweating cold. The world was spinning. He felt disoriented. Ashamed. How could you?

 

He sees the lightsaber tuck away under his pillow... He stared at it. He could end it. It would be quick. But suddenly, Ezra's worried look show up in his mind.

 

_Don't._

 

Kanan clenches his teeth, his fists. A need rising on his chest. He remembers their last moments together. Ezra in his arms like he was holding a warm soothing star. Smiling at him.

 

His hands, his chest, his arms ached for that warmth.

 

He doesn't love 'you', a dark version of his own voice said in his head. Look at you. How could he love you? How could anyone love you again after what you have become? That other person... that person is not you. He adored the other Kanan... Ezra was just confused. That's all. You are nothing. You are tainted by the darkside. _You would only hurt him._

 

And that thought is what breaks him.

 

He cries alone, surrounded only by coldness and despair.

  


Somewhere very far far away, Ezra stared at the stars out of the cockpit of the Ghost, feeling a knot on his throat.

 

* * *

 

A few days later, Ezra and Ahsoka met with the small Rebel fleet in a secret location in deep space. They needed to clear some details about plan to rescue Mon Mothma from prison. Ezra was fidgety, hoping their presence there wouldn’t attract the attention of the Inquisitors. This was too dangerous.

 

Ezra greeted Sato with a smile and then gasped when he saw Bail Organa in the flesh stepping into the conference room… followed by Leia. His eyes grew large.

 

“Leia,” he whispered in disbelief. Ahsoka watched the girl with a curious look too. This was the first time she had actually seen her in person, but there was something so familiar about her.

 

“Thank you for coming, Senator,” Sato said with a small smile.

 

“We couldn’t leave this to chance, could we? There’s a lot at stake here,” Bail said looking at everyone present. “The citizens know Senator Mon Mothma was unjustly arrested. Being such a public figure has been the one thing keeping them from outright executing her, but I fear they are waiting for the people to forget about her and then…” he sighed shaking his head.

 

“We must strike quickly and move Senator Mon Mothma to a safe location,” Leia spoke up with a clear voice and full of confidence. Ezra was so glad… she was still her. Perhaps a little more hardened by the war but it was her. Snarky... and yet respectful. Inspiring.

 

As the meeting went showing the diagrams of the prison and their security measures, Leia noticed Ezra was staring at her. She had heard the rumors that he was also a young Jedi in training with Fulcrum. She frowned realizing he wouldn’t stop staring at her. Oh no, it was another one of those. She had expected the Jedi to be above such things but then… she caught a glimpse of something else in his expression. Of someone that has lost everything he loves reminiscing of the days where things were simpler… happier... and he finally looks away leaving those thoughts behind, focusing on the task at hand. Leia’s eyes softened. Maybe she was wrong.

 

After the plan was done, Leia approached Ezra.

 

“They say you are a Jedi,” Leia looked at him from head to toe slightly unconvinced.

 

“Yes,” Ezra said with a small smile and then added hurriedly. “Uh-…I mean, yes, your highness.”

 

“Leia is fine,” she waved dismissing the protocol. “I thought she was the only one left,” she tilted her head towards Ahsoka.

 

“I believe there were others… some died, some are in hiding,” Ezra said with sadness. Kenobi, Kanan… how many others had left their lives behind.

 

“Where have you been all this time then?”

 

“I honestly don’t know. Lothal I guess,” Ezra said not entirely sure, as he didn’t have the memories of the last 4 years when this life diverged from the one he lived.

 

“That was a very vague answer,” Leia grimaced.

 

“It’s the best I can offer,” Ezra shook his head and sighed tired. He truly didn’t understand it either. He had stopped trying to figure it out.

 

“I wish we could have more Jedi on our side,” Leia said looking at her father, Ahsoka and Sato talking on the other side of the room. “This needs to go perfect or else… we will lose her. The Empire says they treat their political prisoners humanely but...”

 

“They will kill her… I know,” Ezra nodded absently. Leia felt a heavy loss on his eyes. His family perhaps?

 

“I’m sorry,” Leia offered more gently this time.

 

“Don’t be, is not your fault,” Ezra shook his head. Even here, his parents were gone… and there was work to be done. “You are still doing what you are meant to be doing… that’s good.”

 

She frowned. “What’s that?”

 

“Giving people hope,” Ezra smiled.

 

“I thought giving hope was the job of the Jedi,” she raised an eyebrow and smirked.

 

“Yeah, you might actually put me out of business soon,” Ezra shrugged and both of them chuckled. He remembered their previous meeting in his other life. He could not believe how immature he had been at the time. And now...

 

How ironic. Just like when he lost his parents she was here encouraging him and focusing on the Rebellion. One of the few constants he had found so far, helping people, giving them hope that things could change for the better. Yes, that was what the Jedi were for.

 

But what if things refused to change? What if people didn’t want his help? There was nothing he could do then. He clenched his teeth, feeling again that knot on his throat. A sob trying to make his way up.

 

_Kanan._

 

He called his name into the Force… but there was only silence in return.

 

* * *

  
  


Just as Ezra was getting ready for the mission he caught glimpse of Ahsoka talking with Organa’s R2 unit with a fond and nostalgic smile. She caressed the top and sighed.

 

“Alright, let’s go,” Ahsoka waved to Ezra.

 

“You think he can make it ok?” Ezra looked at the old unit moving towards their ship.

 

“Oh, R2 can do it just fine,” Ahsoka smirked giving the droid a wink. The droid beeped something along the lines of ‘you have no idea’.

 

R2-D2 would infiltrate with the other security droids. The Imperials had a very bad habit of dismissing and underestimating droids. Ezra had only seen him work a few times before but this was a tremendously high-risk mission. He would have given anything to have Chopper at his side, but he figured that if Ahsoka vouched for the little droid, he had nothing to worry about.

 

They took him to a base in a planet in a nearby system where the Imperials would get their supplies and R2 rolled along with a few other droids to the cargo bay that was being guarded by two stormtroopers. Ezra and Ahsoka looked at him disappear inside with relief. Everything was going according to plan.

 

Once there, R2 would be able to hack the security and allow their team to approach without being detected by the radar. The Nightbrother, the Ghost and another rebel ship landed nearby and their team moved under the cover of night. They quickly made their way to the side of a large prison at the edge of a cliff. The teams split once inside and Ezra went to the security room to neutralize the guards there. R2 was already waiting for him outside the door and opened it for him. With a swift wave of his hand, he slammed the officers against a wall, knocking them out cold. They didn’t even know what hit them.

 

“Clear, I’m in,” Ezra called on his comm and saw how Ahsoka and the other team took different routes. Things were quiet for a few minutes but then, obviously, the shooting began and could be heard on the distance even from this room. A few seconds later, the alarm sounded off.

 

“I GOT HER,” Ahsoka called on her comm.

 

“I’ll meet you outside!” Ezra hurried to the large open patio, arriving just in time with the rest of the team. Ezra took out a remote control and called in the Ghost and the other ships. The team threw gas canisters around them, filling the area with smoke. The troopers couldn’t see what they were shooting at and the Rebels could also barely tell what was going on, but Ezra and Ahsoka did. They closed their eyes and placed themselves around their comrades and what Ezra could imagine was Mon Mothma. She was weak. They needed to get her out as quickly as possible. Ezra and Ahsoka managed to deflect all the blasters shots that could have reached the team, and just then, their ships arrived above.

 

“GO!” Ezra gestured at Ahsoka. She nodded and grabbed the frail woman in her arms and jumped into the Nightbrother’s ramp. The other rebels quickly jumped into their ship and provided covering fire to Ahsoka to escape. Ezra smiled relieved and also got quickly into the Ghost. Things were starting to get heated down there!

 

Ezra rushed to the controls and took off immediately. The Ghost was taking heavy fire. It made him clench his teeth.

 

“Let’s get out of here!” one of the rebels shouted on the comms and Ezra agreed. They punched it to the max, flying as fast as they could out of the planet with TIE fighters close behind. Once in orbit, they all went into Hyperspace on different directions. They needed to make sure they couldn't be traced.

 

Once in hyperspace, Ezra finally breathed and sank on the pilot’s seat. That had been close. Too close. He checked the Ghost’s systems and saw there had been some damage on the shields. He would have to fix that once he got to his safe spot.  


 

* * *

 

 

The plan was to lay low once they escaped. Ahsoka would be the only one heading directly back to Sato to safely deliver Mon Mothma.

 

Ezra arrived to a small rainy planet with great oceans with a few fishing towns. The humid climate had never set well with him, but this would have to do for the moment. He grabbed a poncho and headed out to the old shanty town. The Empire had come and gone from this place, taking most of the high-value natural resources and leaving the locals just barely scraping by.

 

Ezra walked silently through the streets and no one paid him no mind. He imagined how this place would have been in better days. He was supposed to head to get a room and stay there until further notice but he walked past the old run down inn. On other circumstances he would have been running for shelter from the cold rain, but now… it didn’t bother him as much.

 

Suddenly, Ezra sensed a presence. He looked up in disbelief and his heart skipped a beat.

 

Kanan was there in front of him, wearing a cloak, looking down, avoiding his eyes. Kanan looks completely disarrayed. Defeated. At the very edge whatever he is. Ezra’s lips trembled at the realization and he dared not to move. He feared that this was just an illusion that would be dispelled in the blink of an eye. That Kanan would disappear again. Ezra wasn’t sure if he could handle it another time.

 

Kanan kept his eyes down, the rain coming down on him… but he slowly opened his mouth as if he was gathering the strength to speak. “I know… I know I’m not him,” Kanan started and Ezra held his breath, trying to keep his whole body from shaking. “I know you are not her. But I....” Kanan paused as his voice strained.

 

“I need help.”

 

In the blink of an eye, Ezra closed the distance between them to embrace him. Ezra nodded, pressing his head against his shoulder as if he was trying to put him back together, keeping him from breaking.

 

“ _Kanan_ ,” Ezra says the name so softly and full of love. “It’s ok… I’m here.”

 

Kanan could barely breathe. His whole body started trembling by the contact. His mental walls crumbled and he opened himself to the Force. He felt the warmth of Ezra’s affection and love flooding him. He gasped in surprise and also held Ezra back like his life depended on it. He felt himself being washed over by... unconditional love.

 

"You are not alone," Ezra whispered close to his ear, reassuring him.

 

Those words broke him and he sobbed silently, weakly. Ezra held him tighter keeping him up, rubbing Kanan’s back, his own face wet with tears and rain.

 

After a while, they slowly pulled back and looked at each other eyes. Force… his eyes were like the sky, Kanan sighed.

 

“Are you feeling better?” Ezra held Kanan’s hands together, trying to rub some warmth. They were already soaked by the rain.

 

“Yes,” he smiled weakly… this coldness was nothing compared to what he had lived through. He felt warm through the Force. He could see Ezra’s soft smile and blushing at their closeness. But then Kana’s face turned serious, concerned, worried. He swallowed nervously. “I… I don’t know if I can… give you what you want,” Kanan confessed. After what had happened with the Pantoran he wasn’t sure he could ever be intimate with anyone anytime soon... he wanted Ezra to know that. Being this close was already taking everything he had.

 

Ezra blinked confused but then his face turned completely red. “You don’t have to give me anything!” he shook his head effusively and held Kanan’s hands tighter. “I just want you to be alright. That’s all.”

 

Kanan nodded and pulled Ezra again for another hug… but he knew better. This... whatever they were going to be, couldn’t be just one way. It wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be healthy. He needed to relearn to give… to allow himself to be loved, to be vulnerable after so long.

 

For the moment, this closeness, this hug, this embrace, he could give.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> ☆Thank you for reading!☆ 
> 
> Please, leave a comment if you liked it. I would greatly appreciate it! It keeps me going! ♡♡ ♡


End file.
